Just Friends
by LadyMarauderette
Summary: ‘What?’ he asked, looking into my eyes with slyness, ‘So that’s not why you want James? Sian Masterson, can have anyone she wants, but wants James Potter who’s madly after Lily Evans. What a sad love triangle,’ he added in a mocking tone. Sirius and OC.
1. Prologue: Just Friends

**Just Friends**

**Prologue**

Sian: (Sy-ann).

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, had no family.

If there was any possible way you would call the people I live with a 'family', well then Elvis Presley was my best friend, God was an alien and Dumbledore was a woman. I hope you understand the seriousness of my statement, the people I live with cannot be called a _family_ under any circumstances. I'm sure the definition of a family was not to be met with glares and hatred when you walked into a room, or having to live in the attic because you just so happen to be the youngest. In addition to that, I was a 'mistake', and reminded of this at every chance.

What sort of parents sit you down when you're ten, tell you that they need to have the talk, and there you are expecting to know the full details of the facts of life when they blurt out that you were a mistake and they didn't really expect to have you? Then pat you on the shoulder and ask you to move into the attic because Nina, your sister was born before you, needs my room for her dance class? No real parents, that's whom. For years I had just lay in bed while my 'family' had dinner, knowing for sure that I was adopted. I had to be, I didn't a look a thing like these people, I didn't have anything in common with these people, and I meant nothing to them. They didn't abuse me in anyway, and they didn't leave me undressed, it was just that they felt no affection towards me whatsoever. How you can walk into a room and not even be acknowledged by your own family? This was just another thing that confused me about my life.

The only thing I had to get me through the cold life I was living was my next-door neighbour, my best friend, and someone I would have given up my life for. Perhaps the reason I felt so strongly was because I never had anyone be that nice to me before, I was so used to being ignored, being liked was confusing, but something that made me happy.

James Potter was an angel. He really was, from the age of four, when I had somehow crept into his back garden and found him playing with his remote control car. We had been best friends since. We would sit in the shed for hours, making plans for me to run away from home, or how I could move in with James and live in his cupboard, and then he would tell my parents I had died in a jump rope accident. We were so close, and because of the fact that I was over his house so much, his parents began to accept me as an adopted daughter. I remember hearing them ask James where I was, because it was strange that they hadn't seen me for the past hour. We called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, at the time we thought it was real, and James demanded that his mum would call me his girlfriend instead of just plain friend.

'Mummy, you can't call my future wife my _friend_. It's just rude!'

And Mrs. Potter had smiled at him, and called me 'James's girlfriend' from then on. Mr. and Mrs. Potter knew about the way my own parents treated me, the way my family treated me, and although they could do nothing about it, they always made me feel like I was _home_ at their house. They would take me along with them on trips, something I felt immensely guilty about. But they would insist, they'd even tell my parents, who didn't really care.

It was amazing, I started to think of them as my family, fro breakfast I'd creep into their house and it would be like that for most meals. Except the occasional time when my own parents would ask me if I would like to join them for dinner, and when I would, no one would talk and we'd just watch TV in silence. But I had James, and that always made things better. You can jut imagine my sadness when I found out I was going to be away from James. My Hogwarts letter was a miracle really, I was glad to not have to live with my 'family' anymore. Nina had just screamed, and Dave thought it was some cult boarding school, but my parents (after many refusals to believe it) decided that they didn't care much and said that I could go if I wanted to. And I had sat there on my cold bed, the dim light shining on my letter, trying to make a decision. James and me had gone to the same primary school, but now I was a witch, I didn't even know if James was a wizard! I told him I was going away to boarding school, and he said so was he. We were both devastated.

But I was met with relief when I saw him at the station, after I had been dropped off, standing at the same platform I was, there was James. We both jumped up and down and hugged each other, although James had pulled away after a minute saying he didn't want to seen hugging a girl on his first day. Mrs. Potter had helped us get our things on the train and hugged us tight, saying she would miss us. I kissed Mr. Potter on the cheek and told him to stay out of trouble, and he laughed and twirled me around. I loved the lot of them. The Potters were my family.

As we ran through the barrier one by one and saw the magnificent train, I held my hand out for James to hold, and we held on tight till walked onto the train. I remember another boy being in the compartment that James had found and beckoned for me to come into, the boy had dark hair and was quite handsome for an eleven year old. The boy had looked at me up and down and asked James, 'Who's that?' And I had felt myself glow when James had said proudly, 'My future wife of course!' And then the boy laughed, and I felt confused, for there was nothing funny about James' statement. At the time I believed that it was the most honest thing in the world. No one at our primary school had laughed, they had all been jealous at how close James and me were, how we did everything together. It wasn't like we didn't have other friends in school, but everyone knew, if you made friends with James, you got Sian as well, and vice versa.

'You cant have a fiancée! You're eleven!' the boy had exclaimed.

And then James had grinned at him and shook his head, saying that you could, and told me to sit down next to him, the boy had grinned at me but I put on a blank front for him, mad that he had laughed. The train ride had gone all right after that, James and the boy, who was called Sirius, which in my opinion was a strange name, played some 'Exploding Snap' and I joined in a few times, my anger forgotten. We reached Hogwarts. The rest of it was a blur, I remember standing there, incredibly nervous, waiting for our names to be called out to put on the sorting hat, my fingers were crossed, and I wished again and again that I would be in the same house as James, I had looked up at him with one eye open and he smiled at me and held my hand as my name was called.

'Gryffindor!'

It was magic, James and me had been put into the same house. I was ecstatic, I was sure I'd be friends with James forever and ever seeing how we would be in the same house, same classes, and then go back to the same house, and then eventually grow older and get married. But things changed never remained the same after that,. I found myself hanging out with Dorcas Meadowes, and James had adopted three other friends, two being from our train ride, and another short and stocky boy called Peter. We drifted apart, and things didn't go as I had planned. I barely spent anytime with James, and the only time I did was the holidays, when I'd go back and spend every waking hour with him, discussing things about school. He no longer introduced me to people as his 'fiancee' anymore. That was gone. The summer before fourth year, I realised we nothing would be the same anymore. We would never be like we had been for all those years.

We were lying in his bed after a long day at the park, and his parents didn't mind for I was only Sian. It was so random and I was thrown off guard when he suddenly said to me: 'Sian, I think I'm in love.' I turned to James in shock, knowing full well he wasn't talking about me.

'Love?' I asked him, my eyebrows raised.

'Proper love,' he said nodding, and getting up, I got up too, and we sat on the bed, leaning against the wall. I felt like asking him if it was me, but I didn't, 'Who?' I asked instead. Half of a smile played on his face, and a dreamy expression had taken over him, 'Lily Evans,' he whispered.

I knew Lily Evans, I shared a dormitory with her, she was a perfectionist, you should have seen her side of the room, so neat and tidy you would want to puke. And I hated to say it, but she was a lovely person... and I didn't like her. Well, _now_ I didn't like her, because she'd gotten the attention of my James. I felt like crying out to him, what about us? We're supposed to get married! Its what we've been saying for years! How can you throw that away for _Lily Evans_?

He'd looked at me then, 'You're like my sister Sian,' he said, 'You're the first person I'm telling.' And I tried to smile at him, but inside I was burning up, sister? What the hell happened to future wife? Or girlfriend?

'I know we always said we were boyfriend and girlfriend,' James had said, holding my hand, reading my mind, 'But we were kids back then. It wasn't real.'

I nodded and smiled falsely, 'Of course,' I said, 'I know that James.' James sighed in relief, 'Good,' he said, 'I thought that you really expected us to get married, at least that's what Sirius said I knew-'

'What did Sirius say?' I asked him angrily. James had cowered under my glare, 'Nothing, he just – thought, that you really thought we were going out or something,' he said hesitantly.

'That's not true!' I had exclaimed, but my insides were screaming, 'I'm not stupid James. We said that when we were seven, we're fourteen now! How can you even think that?' And tears built up in my eyes, but he couldn't see them because of the dark, and all I could think was. How could he not think that? Because I had believed every bit of it. It was as real to me as magic, he was my James, what was happening?

I felt stupid, it was exactly as Dorcas had told me for years, how could I still believe that we were together? That he'd keep himself for me? I remember going back to my house, and lying on my bed in the attic, tears pouring out of my eyes, because I felt like I had no family again. I had lost my James to Lily Evans.

Summers sort of changed after that, Sirius was always over at the Potters house, or sometimes all of his friends were, and I gradually drifted apart from James, although I stayed the same with Mrs. Potter, who now insisted I call her Sandra. I'd still come over and help out Sandra, but I would barely speak to James, I don't think he suspected that I fancied him like mad, he just thought I was going through 'girl things' as he had put it to Sandra.

The summer before our fifth year I was over at the Potter's house, helping Sandra cook some Chinese food without magic, and we were giggling a lot and it was then James and Sirius had walked into the kitchen. It was the first time I had seen Sirius at the Potter's house, or met him really, because I knew he was over, I just never saw him. And he had looked at me in shock, as he turned around to James his eyes wide, 'What is she doing here?' he had asked in an urgent whisper.

I had felt hurt inside, but I was not going to show that, I had shared a smirk with Sandra before saying, 'I think James may have forgotten to tell you that I live next door.' And something had clouded into James's eyes and I shrugged at him, and then they left, Sirius muttering to James.

'I think Sirius fancies you dear,' Sandra had said with a smile.

But I shook my head, 'People like Sirius don't fancy people like me,' I had said.

But I knew they could, I knew just how much attention I got from boys, well had suddenly gotten since our fourth year, when I had suddenly sprouted breasts, grown taller (5"8), and got curves. I was pretty, or as Dorcas put it 'stunning' and James on many occasions had called me beautiful. I suppose I was stunning, not meaning to be big headed or anything, but I liked my looks. I had dark long wavy locks that went down to my back, fair skin, and big, blue eyes. My eyes clashed with my skin, making them stand out, and the first thing people would say to me was that I had beautiful eyes. Which was the only thing I suppose I had inherited from my own mother.

Sandra shook her head, 'You know as well as I do that you are _gorgeous_,' she said, and I smiled and hugged her, glad to have her in my life. 'And I still think Sirius fancies you, he went bright red when he saw you.'

But I didn't want Sirius to fancy me; I wanted James, who had become extra good looking after hitting puberty, the years of Quidditch had given him muscles, making him fill out and not be the scrawny kid that he was once. His messy hair suited him, and I thought the glasses made him look like a hunk. I knew Sirius was good looking, he always had been, I never denied it. With his luscious hair, and mysterious gray eyes, his tanned skin, he was the same height as James, but much more handsome. And I knew this, but I didn't want him, I wanted James. And somewhere along the lines, maybe Sandra suspected this, though she never said a word, I made sure not to ever give him longing looks, I didn't want him to think I still liked him.

I did though; I was madly in love with the boy who had saved me from my hellhole. He was my angel. I would hear him go on for hours about Lily Evans, and sadness bubbled in me, as we would have dinner, me sitting in the middle of James and Sirius. Sandra and Harold sitting across us, laughing at the way James would describe Lily's hair, and Sirius would tease him for being hopelessly in love, and being such a 'poof' but I would sit there, trying to laugh, and block out the name Lily, trying to replace it with mine.

We would be a trio over Christmas, the only teenagers at the Potter residence. I always came home for Christmas, as did James, but after our fourth year Sirius started coming to The Potters' too, Sandra would write to all three of us each week, and she said Sirius had become part of the family. He ran away from home in his fifth year and the Potters had said that he could stay with them. Over Christmas, I'd open presents with my 'family' and keep up niceties, and then sneak over to the Potters, who were of course, my real family.

After a while though, how could you ignore two good looking boys when you were in the same house as them? Sandra always looked surprised when I would groan as Sirius would walk into a room, I felt like he was taking over my holidays. I had nothing against him, well I did really, I couldn't stand him to be honest. Always making sarcastic remarks. But I did feel bad for him, and when he spent the summer at the Potters, I would really try to get along with him. I sort of enjoyed having Sirius around, and it was funny watching James and Sirius talking about some insane things, or how Sirius would drop down on his knees and shout 'Mummy dearest!' every time he saw Sandra. I wasn't about to get jealous that Sirius took most of James's time, I understood that, it was a guy thing. Boys were better friends with their own gender, just as I was with Dorcas. I wasn't about to get angry over the fact that James needed to hang around with Sirius either, and this was probably one of the reasons I hung out with them, and it would actually be fun. James would be in the middle as Sirius and me argued over little things as we were prone to do, we'd both turn to James and ask him 'What do you think?' and he would raise his hands and shake his head saying he wouldn't get involved, 'I'm not going to side with either one of you, I would like both of my best friends please,' he would say. This made me happier though, at least James thought of me as one of his best friends. And sometimes when Sirius would be asleep, James would sneak into my room (attic) and we would talk until the morning light. We wouldn't hold hands, but I was glad we could still do this.

I would notice Sirius giving me suspicious looks when I'd wrestle with James or when we'd go into the phase where we'd say everything in unison or when I'd laugh at something James had said. I ignored them, hoping he wouldn't know what was going through my head. Sirius could me dark and mysterious like that, although altogether he was a laidback funny guy.

Sirius got his own place this summer, which meant James was never home, did he even care that we only saw each other a few times this summer? I spent my time with Sandra, and then I went over to Dorcas's house for a week, where James had sent me a letter asking me where the hell I was. Not caring that he had been at Sirius's apartment most of the time, but when I left I was suddenly betraying our summer tradition.

My seventh year is starting now. All I know is, that I, Sian Amerie Masterson, am seventeen years old, and completely determined to get James Potter back into my life. I just hope Sirius won't get in my way.

--


	2. Chapter 1: My Heart

**Chapter 1**

**My Heart**

_I am nothing now, and its been so long  
Since I've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope__  
This time I will be listening  
Sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own, but what would it be without you  
This heart it beats, beats for only you_

_This heart it beats, beats for only you  
This hear__t it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours  
This heart it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours  
This heart it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours_

'_**My Heart' By Paramore.**_

'Sian! The Potters are waiting for you!' my mother shouted from downstairs.

I looked in the mirror with satisfaction, I looked good, and like I had said, I don't mean to be big headed in anyway. I don't think I'm amazing, I just thought I looked good.

'Bye,' I said to my mother as I closed the front door dragging my trunk out, Sirius was sitting on the porch and he jumped up when he saw me, I was surprised to see him there, after him not being around a lot during the holidays.

'About time Masterson,' he said, and without saying anything, picked my trunk up and loaded it into the Potters car.

'Sorry,' I said, trying not to sound sorry at all, but feeling grateful that he carried my trunk.

The drive to the train station was quiet, only James speaking about how he was looking forward to see Lily. James had gotten Head Boy this year; I failed to know what was going through Dumbledore's head as he decided this.

I was sat again, in the middle of the two boys; it was funny how that always happened. I exchanged a frustrated look with Sirius, I was getting tremendously annoyed at James, and I could tell that Sirius was as well, but in a much more amused manner. The happy bubble that had been blown inside of me thinking that I would get James this year was about to burst, it wouldn't be long before it did.

Maybe I was doing the wrong thing, trying to get James when he was so obviously in love with someone else. But I had to try, I would always regret it if I didn't.

After hugging the Potters good bye, the three of us one by one ran through the barrier, opening our eyes to the Hogwarts Express.

I looked around trying to spot Dorcas, finding her I ran over to her jumping on her back, she turned around with laughter, and I hugged her tightly, realising how much I had missed her, even though I had only seen her two weeks ago.

Dorcas was really pretty, she just didn't believe it, or maybe she was just being modest, with her long blonde hair, and soft brown eyes, and a perfect pout which usually took over her face, she had captured the heart of many boys, she was quite chesty and about the same height with me, we made quite a pair when we stood next to each other.

James and Sirius were standing behind me, and I turned to Dorcas saying, 'You know James and Sirius right?' I said, trying not to laugh, because she knew all about them, having been friends for quite a while and they were pretty popular in school.

Sirius smiled at her crookedly and James grinned, 'Bonjour Dorcas,' he said, 'The pleasure is all mine.'

Dorcas laughed, 'Come here you big lug,' she said, pulling him into a hug. 'Hi Sirius,' she said looking over at Sirius, who had an expression I couldn't read.

James pulled away from Dorcas and searched the crowd for Lily, I put an arm around him the same time Sirius did and our hands touched, I tried to ignore this and said to James, 'You'll find her Jimmy, don't worry,' pretending I was all for James getting with Lily.

I saw Dorcas shake her head at me; she was the only person I had told about me being madly in love with James.

James smiled at me and hugged me, 'I love you Sian,' he said, and I stiffened, I peered over at Sirius, who had the same blank expression, although he was looking at James almost pityingly and as if he were telling him something.

Only I noticed the red head standing behind Sirius, looking quite sad, and I was sure she had heard James.

So all of her antics claiming she hated James were a lie, because I had seen sadness in her when she heard James, and for a minute I felt bad for her, and really bad at what I was planning to do.

James was my friend; he deserved to have the girl he loved. But I shook this thought out of my head, pulling away from him.

'James, I'm not leaving,' I said with a laugh, although I know what he was feeling.

'I know, but we don't talk a lot in school Sian, and I just wanted you to know that I'm always here for you,' James said quietly, only for my ears.

I looked at him intensely, feeling like crying, a wave of emotion swept through me and I nodded before leaning over and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

He smiled at me and told us that he was going to the Head's compartment, his eyes lighting up as he saw Lily, and he waved at her.

I stared after him as he got onto the train, but I turned around, just to see Sirius looking at me with interest, I saw Dorcas standing next to him, her eyes raised at the interaction that had just taken place.

I shrugged at them, 'Want to find a compartment?' I asked, and Dorcas nodded.

Sirius nodded as well after a minute, and without warning picked my trunk up, and put it onto the train, I smiled at him gratefully and he didn't smile back, I turned to Dorcas who was struggling with her trunk and waited for Sirius to help her, but Sirius hadn't noticed, instead a Ravenclaw boy came over and helped her and she muttered thanks to him as I grinned at her.

'Lets find a compartment,' Sirius said to me, and I looked surprised, because I had expected him to go looking for his Marauders, and not stay with us. But he pulled my hand and dragged me into a compartment, which already had the Marauders in. Dorcas followed, looking quite flustered and as if she was bursting to say something.

I shrugged at her, and we sat in the compartment, which had Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, who had already launched into conversations about their summer with Sirius. Dorcas joined in as well, never having a problem about talking, she seemed to be able to do it in front of everyone. I stayed quiet, only adding comments when necessary, not really up to making conversation. I kept looking out of the glass doors of the compartment, hoping James would show.

At long last I felt the train moving, and Dorcas looked at me questioningly from across (she was sitting next to Remus and Peter), and I shook my head at her, and she nodded, understanding that I would tell her later. The compartment went quiet, as Remus, Peter and Dorcas indulged themselves into a game of Exploding Snap.

I turned away from the door and moved my head to look outside the window to find Sirius looking at me carefully, he didn't turn away as I met his gaze, I felt as if he were trying to read me and I looked away, not in the mood. I saw James talking to Lily outside and that was the last straw, my bubble had burst, and I was pretty much close to tears.

Maybe I would have to accept the fact that James will never like me. But a voice in my head kept telling me that I had to try, so I blinked back my tears, and without a word, walked out of the compartment, past James and Lily, needing some fresh air. As I ran through the corridors and past people, I came at a halt as I reached the end of the train, I opened the door which led to outside, and as I went outside, I felt a hand on mine, and I turned to see Sirius standing there, I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his other hand to his lips and I closed it, he turned and closed the door and I sighed and leant against the rails, staring at the trees passing us by with full speed.

I then turned around and looked at him questioningly just to find him looking at me as intently as before, this made me snap and an angry expression covered my face.

'What is it?' I asked furiously, 'Stop looking at me like that!'

'Don't give me that Masterson,' Sirius said in a sly voice, but managing to look bored at the same time. 'You don't think I can see the way you look at him?'

I stiffened, taken aback, I regained my composure and scoffed, 'What are you talking about?' I said, scared as hell.

'Don't you mean _who_ am I talking about? _James_,' he said with a smirk, 'You don't think I know the way you look at him?'

I shook my head, 'You don't know what you're talking about Black, James is my friend,' I said, trying to sound convincing, my voice quivering.

Sirius's face softened, I don't know why, but it did, and before I knew it, his arms were around me and I was quietly weeping into his chest, my arms around his waist.

I had felt this way before, when my parents had first told me I was a mistake, and they didn't mean to have another baby. I felt broken, and I was about to collapse, but Sirius was holding onto me tightly, still holding me he pushed us both down, and leaning against the door, wind blowing lightly, I rested my head against his shoulder and his arm around me, stroking my hair.

After what felt like hours, but in reality was ten minutes, I pulled away from him, 'How did you know Sirius?' I asked.

'I've been saying it for years,' he shrugged, and the looking at the pained expression on my face he said, 'Look, I wont say anything to James, not if you don't want me to.'

I nodded, 'Thank you Sirius,' I said, and was about to carry on when he interrupted, 'On one condition Sian,' he said, and I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

'What would that be?' I asked, dreading the answer.

'You have to stop this,' said Sirius firmly, 'Look; I know what its like to like someone and have them like someone else, but you have got to move on. James is madly in love with Lily, and Lily probably feels the same way. You cant fight this, because in the end you'll be the one who's hurt.'

I opened my mouth to protest, but as I heard his words, I realised what he was saying was right. What was I thinking, letting myself believe that I could make James fall in love with me? He was so much in love with Lily, and today, that one look in Lily's eyes had told me that she felt the same way. Was it right for me to come in between two people who loved each other? Just because of some promise we had made each other when we were seven?

I nodded, 'I know,' I finally said. 'I just can't help it,' I mumbled, going red, embarrassed at the whole situation.

'What's so good about James anyway?' smirked Sirius.

I smiled in spite of myself, shrugging my shoulders; I was about to answer when I furrowed my eyebrows, what _was_ so good about James anyway?

Sirius laughed, 'So you don't even know why you like him?' he jeered.

I rolled my eyes at him, 'You wouldn't understand Sirius, I've known him since I was four. I was going crazy in my own house, if I hadn't met James I'd have gone mental by now,' I said, trying to explain.

'That's not a very good reason to be in love with someone,' Sirius said, 'What if Dorcas was there instead of James? Would you be in love with her?'

'Except she wasn't,' I snapped, 'Look Sirius, why do you even care?'

'Why do you even care?' Sirius mimicked in a very bad impression of me, 'I thought you were smart Masterson, James is my best friend, he's been in love with Lily for three years and he isn't going to stop because of any of your antics. You're like his _sister_! He told me that he never thought of you that way and when you were kids you didn't know any better, how can you expect him to fall in love with you when he doesn't think of you as anymore than that?'

I bit my lip, knowing every word Sirius was saying was true, 'I've loved James for far more than three years! Doesn't that matter?' I said helplessly.

Sirius sighed and put his hands in his head, 'Of course it matters,' he finally said, looking up at me.

'Well, then what do you propose I do?' I asked crossing my arms across my chest. 'Just let go of the love of my life without a fight?'

Sirius shook his head, looking at me absorbedly, making me feel exposed. 'Wow,' he said softly, looking at his knees, which were hugging his chest, I was just noticing how close we had been sitting.

'Sian,' he started, catching his breath as he looked up at me, 'You'll only end up hurt.'

I nodded, and then I shrugged as I said quietly, 'And then I'll be able to move on, but I cant just back out this easily.'

'Why James?' he asked, frowning, 'You can have any other guy in school.'

'Can I?' I asked, finding myself interested in what Sirius had to say. I was definitely seeing more of the dark and mysterious side of him, the one that was so attractive to many girls.

Sirius smirked, 'There's no point being modest,' he said, 'I'm sure you know you can. Is it just the fact that James likes someone else? Do you like a challenge?'

I could see that Sirius was testing my waters, this is what he did, picking at what mattered most and eating it whole, determined to provoke me and get the reaction that amused. What was with this guy? One minute he's holding me and comforting me, next he's purposely trying to get me angry. He had more mood swings then a pregnant woman on alcohol.

I got up as soon as he said that; he got up as well, sneering. 'How dare you say that?' I asked him, dangerously close to him.

'What?' he asked, looking into my eyes with slyness, 'So that's_ not_ why you want James? Sian Masterson, can have anyone she wants, but wants James Potter who's madly after Lily Evans. What a sad love triangle,' he added in a mocking tone.

I tried to turn away from him but he gripped my wrist, 'Calm down Masterson,' he smirked.

I glared at him, 'You are a horrible human being,' I spat, 'I love James – and he's everything you're not.'

Hurt flickered in Sirius's eyes and I let out a harsh laugh, 'Touched a spot have I?' I asked, looking furiously into his eyes, as he did to me. He didn't say anything, but he let go of my hand. He moved away from me, looking down.

I turned around, and made to open the door, but Sirius called my name before I left and I faced him.

'What is it?' I asked, feeling very angry with him.

'Just promise me you wont do anything stupid, nothing to hurt James,' he said expectantly.

I hesitated, why should I agree to him? Then I realised he could easily go and tell James, and I nodded.

'As long as you promise not to tell anyone,' I said.

He nodded slowly, 'We never had this conversation,' he said. And I nodded, and stood there, not sure what I was waiting for.

'We better go, erm, they'll be wondering where we are,' he said finally.

'Yeah,' I said, coming out of my trance, and I opened the door and walked out, closely followed by Sirius, who had his hand on my back.

We walked to our compartment, and I opened the door and entered, Sirius behind me.

James was there, and so was Lily, and I felt my insides burning up, I turned and looked at Sirius who just nodded as reassurance as five faces looked up at us in surprise and wonderment.

James eyes lit up, 'There you are! I was about to send out a search party! Where have you been?' he said, with a grin, and Sirius grinned back at him, sitting down next to Dorcas.

'We were wandering,' Sirius said plainly as I nodded, I half smiled at Sirius gratefully who just gave me a curt nod. I sat next to Lily, who was sitting next to James.

James looked at me with a grin, 'Sian? You know Lily right?' he asked me hopefully.

And Lily smiled at me and I tried to smile back, 'Yeah,' I said, and looked away, Dorcas was staring at me questioningly and I shook my head, and I knew she understood that I would tell her later because she smiled at me wilfully.

I was just wondering what Lily was doing in our compartment when Sirius spoke for me, 'So Lily, what brings you to the humble abode of the Marauders and the Pretties?' he said, I smiled as I realised the 'pretties' was indicated towards me ad Dorcas.

Lily smiled shyly, but before she could speak James spoke in an excited voice, 'I asked her to sit with us!' he said, and Sirius grinned looking amused, he glanced at me and his grin faltered and he leant back casually, his hair falling into his eyes.

'Did the trolley come by?' I asked, trying to take my mind off the fact that Lily was sitting next to me and James was acting like and excited five year old.

'It did,' said Remus, looking up from his book, 'Did you not see it on your travels?' he asked suspiciously, looking at Sirius.

I shook my head, and looked at Sirius, who raised his eyebrows at me.

'Are you alright now Sian?' Peter asked me, before I could answer James interrupted, 'Why wouldn't she be?' he asked sceptically looking at me, a worried expression on his face.

'I'm fine,' I said, and looked away and outside the door again.

'Are you sure?' James asked, and though I was glad that he cared, I couldn't help but feel irritated at him, how could he be so oblivious?

I noticed Sirius was looking at James in the same pitying way, as if asking the same question that had been going through me mind.

'She's fine,' Sirius spoke for me, and I nodded.

James looked apprehensive because Sirius had answered instead of me, and I looked at him trying not to look annoyed, but the anger and sadness inside me was bubbling up, 'I'm fine James,' I snapped, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic in a compartment with seven people.

James sighed and shrugged, but he left me alone and started a conversation with Lily, who was looking quite uncomfortable.

I shut my eyes, and tried to stop feeling sad. At least if I was away from James I wouldn't have to see his face and maybe then I could get on with life. But they were right next to me. James and Lily were next to me, flirting with each other. And I could do nothing about it.

Time flew by, and when my eyes opened I noticed that it had gone dark outside, Remus, Peter and Dorcas weren't in the compartment, and James and Lily had fallen asleep, Lily's head resting on James's shoulder, and his head on hers.

Sitting across from them was Sirius, who was staring out the window, as if in deep thought. I had to admit that this was the first train ride I had seen him like this, what had happened to the loud and funny Sirius Black?

But I had always known that he had a dark and twisty side to him, he could be the most serious and deep person on earth when he wanted to. And I found I was intrigued by his face, how his eyebrow furrowed, how he smiled crookedly, how he'd occasionally run a hand through his hair and sigh, or how he would hold his head in his hands. It fascinated me, and I stared at him, he was oblivious to this, and I was grateful.

I looked away after a while, surprised that he hadn't noticed that I was awake.

'Had enough of my face?' a voice said, interrupting my thoughts, and I turned to see Sirius smirking at me. He moved up two seats so now we were face to face.

I blushed, embarrassed that I had been caught out, but then I frowned and leant back, 'You intrigue me Sirius Black,' I finally said quietly, so that James and Lily wouldn't wake up.

'Is that so?' Sirius asked, folding his arms interestedly, 'Why would that be?'

'You're confusing,' I said seriously, 'One minute you're comforting me, and then the next you've got this dark and mysterious exterior I cant even begin to understand.'

'What's your point?' he asked with and eyebrow raised.

'My point is,' I said, trying to think of what my point was, 'Who is the real Sirius Black?'

'You would know that if you ever bothered to get to know me,' Sirius said simply, but something had clouded his eyes, and the expression again made me feel exposed.

I suppose he was right at this statement, and I simply nodded and looked away, feeling that Sirius was way too confusing for me.

'You fascinate me Sian,' he said eyeing me, and I looked up questioningly, 'You could have any guy you want, yet you want just one.' He was careful not to say James's name, and this I was grateful for.

'I'd give up my life for him,' I said plainly, looking Sirius in the eye, an this fact was true, if someone was trying to Avada James, I would have instinctively come in front of him. 'And I believe that is not fascinating, it's called love, have you heard of it Black?' I said, saying it more coldly then I intended.

But to my surprise Sirius smiled, 'Aye,' he said calmly, 'I have Sian.'

'You don't know me Sirius,' I said inaudibly, angry at the fact that he knew just how to get to me.

'That I don't Sian,' he said smirking, 'But you haven't given me the chance either.'

'I could say the same about you,' I snapped.

He smirked again, amused at the way I could easily lose my temper, and I scolded myself mentally making a note not to do so in the future.

'Well let's make a deal then why don't we?' Sirius said acutely, the smirk disappearing from his face, I looked at him waiting for him to carry on, 'You get to know me, and I do the same.'

Feeling this was unnecessary I sighed in defeat and muttered 'Fine,' and the smirk reappeared. I was only starting to realise how frustrating Sirius could be, he knew exactly which buttons to push, and how to get to me.

'Excellent,' he said, 'It will be a pleasure to get to know the real Sian Masterson,' and I rolled my eyes at his sardonic tone.

'This is your idea Black,' I said feverishly, 'Why must you taunt me?'

And Sirius laughed quietly, 'You just make it so much fun Sian,' he said, and I shook my head at him and looked away.

Just then I heard James yawn and I looked around to see him awake, a sleepy grin on his face as he looked at Lily who was still resting on his shoulder.

He looked over at us and grinned, 'Hey,' he said quietly.

I smiled at him briefly and turned away, not being able to stand the sight of the two, and I could feel Sirius still smirking at me.

What was that guy's problem? Never before had he irritated me this much then today, or maybe I was particularly moody today and this was always how Sirius had been. The idea of me waking up to a principally good mood seemed laughable seeing the way I was feeling right now, and I wanted nothing better than some hot chocolate and the comfort of Sandra Potter being around me.

I heard the two boys conversing quietly and I felt like weeping inwardly, we hadn't even reached school yet and already I felt like leaving.

Closing my eyes in hope that I would feel emotionless, I fell sound asleep, not knowing that two mysterious eyes were watching me intently, trying to figure me out.

--

I felt someone tapping my shoulders as my eyes jerked awake, 'Sian, you better get into your robes, we'll be here soon,' Dorcas was saying to me.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and looked around at the now empty compartment, 'Where is everyone?' I asked.

Dorcas shrugged, 'It was just you and Sirius when I came in, and then Sirius went off with Remus and Peter, I expect James and Lily have gone to patrol,' she said.

I rolled my eyes, as I put my robes on, wondering why I hadn't realised that Evans was sure to make Head Girl. And they would have their own common room, it was as if someone was twisting my insides, and I shut my eyes leaning against the door, which was just went it opened, and I fell back, hitting my head on the floor of the train. A few people around me laughed, a few gasped, I felt someone kneeling over me as I lay there.

'Are you okay?' the voice was asking me, but then I couldn't understand what the person was saying, after what seemed like five minutes I opened my eyes, to see Sirius, James and Dorcas towering over me, worried expressions on their faces.

'Oh my god!' James said as he saw my eyes opened, and he leant down to hug me tightly, 'Are you okay?' he asked.

I nodded, rubbing the back of my head as I attempted to get up, Dorcas hugged me as James let go, saying it was comical the way I fell but that she was scared when I wasn't answering them.

I peered over at Sirius as I hugged Dorcas, who was muttering sympathetic but amused words to me, he smiled at me for a second but then looked away.

'We're here,' James said as we felt the train stopping, I nodded and walked over to the compartment to gather my stuff, still feeling a bit woozy.

'Is everything all right?' he asked me, as he followed me in, I noticed we were the only ones in the compartment, Dorcas and Sirius were talking outside, waiting for us.

I nodded shakily, picking my bag up, James looked unconvinced as I turned to look at him, 'Why are you looking at me like that?' I finally asked.

'Because you're not yourself!' he said.

'Do you even know who that is?' I snapped, feeling all my emotions from today rushing out.

James looked taken aback, 'Of course I do,' he said tentatively, 'Why are you acting like this?'

I sighed, 'I'm not _acting_ like anything, I'm just _being myself_, and I'm fine, before you ask again, I don't need you to brother me James,' I said, feeling tears build up in my eyes as I pushed past him, leaving him looking bewildered.

I beckoned for Dorcas to follow me, and she instantly did so, secretly holding my hand and giving it a squeeze, I smiled at her, glad to have someone.

--

**Sirius**

I looked at James with a confused expression, as I entered the compartment, I could hear Lily calling at people to get off the train, and I could hear Hagrid. I even saw Remus and Peter leave, looking around for us, Dorcas and Sian joined them, and I watched them get on a carriage.

I put a hand on James shoulder, 'Come on mate, we better get on the carriages,' I said.

James nodded, still looking as if he was trying to figure something out, I sighed and put my hands in my pockets, my hair falling over my eyes.

'You want to tell me what happened?' I asked finally as we got onto the last carriage, which had one third year and her friend, looking quite frightened at two Marauders in the carriage with them.

James looked up at me, 'I don't know_ what_ happened,' he said shaking his head and then letting out a nervous laugh.

I raised my eyebrows, 'Erm, mate, you were there, Masterson looked really pissed,' I said, although I knew perfectly well what had happened.

'She said I didn't know her anymore – I think,' James said, scratching his head, 'What is going on?' he asked, and I shrugged.

The carriage ride was over rather quick, and as we walked into the Great Hall, I automatically sat myself next to Sian, who was closely surrounded by Remus and Peter.

'Where you been Padfoot?' asked Remus curiously, I mouthed that I would tell him later, and I saw Sian looking at me oddly, and out of nowhere, she got up as she noticed James, and moved down next to some fourth years, Dorcas sighed and made to follow her.

James looked crestfallen as he watched her do this, and he opened his mouth to speak but closed it again, forgetting things as Lily came and sat next to him, followed by her friends, who were glad to be sitting next to us, I rolled my eyes as I exchanged an amused look with Remus, James was whispering sweet nothings into Lily's ear.

Sian was glaring daggers at them and the second she saw me watching her she turned away determinedly but a sad expression had taken over her and I watched jealously as Dorcas put an arm around her.

I looked at James, who seemed so oblivious to this. James was my best friend but I resented him sometimes, times like this. He claimed that Sian was like his sister and that they were best friends, but then he couldn't see that she was so obviously in pain.

I tuned out during the sorting as the others watched, and I couldn't help but stare at Sian who was unaware of this. She was beautiful, and everyone knew it. I had always wondered why she would never go out with anyone, there was a time when I suspected her to be gay, especially when I had noticed how close she was to Dorcas, it was insane to think that, but I felt it was an explanation I would have to face someday, which was then I started to notice the looks she would give James privately. It was obvious that she liked him.

It added up as well, they were best friends, they said they were 'boyfriend and girlfriend', that they'd get married, have lots of babies, maybe somewhere along the lines Sian believed this to be true and not just some crazy childhood fantasy. It was not the way the world worked, it was too simple to be that way, no, the world was harsh, why would it let Sian have what she wanted? When it could so easily cause her distress?

The truth was, this made me crazy jealous, why would she look at_ him_ all the time? I wasn't sure if I fancied her, but I was inquisitive about her. For some reason I wanted to know everything about her, and when I had held her in my arms it had felt right.

_I know what its like to like someone and have them like someone else, but you have got to move on._

Why had I said that? That wasn't even true, was it? I didn't even like her… did I? No, of course I didn't, this was _Sian_.

I shook these girly thoughts out of my head, how complicated life had gotten already, and classes hadn't even started yet.

My thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of the food and I suddenly realised how hungry was, I grabbed whatever food I could, and as I looked up I saw Sian smirking at me, she raised her goblet to me and mouthed 'Cheers', I grinned at her, and did the same. I put it down to see Remus look at me unusually again, I shrugged at him and opened my mouth to show him all the chewed up food.

He looked at me in disgust but I could tell he was trying not to grin, Peter had launched himself into a conversation with a sixth year about Quidditch.

I shook my head as I ate, and wondered if I would be left to my thoughts every meal. James was smiling as Lily laughed at something he had said, and this made me break out into a grin again, which I tried to hide with my goblet; it was very comical how James got excited.

My thoughts strayed to Sian again, how did she manage to look the way she did? I remember her coming for breakfast once at the Potters house, obvious that she had just gotten up as she was in her pyjamas and still managing to look completely gorgeous. I was shocked to see her the first time I did, I had forgotten that she lived next door, and she had been sitting on the counter giggling with Sandra.

She had smirked at me. I had walked out of the kitchen, feeling overwhelmed.

I didn't understand that girl, she was so mystifying and she always left me feeling confused.

_You intrigue me Sirius Black._

_One minute you're comforting me, and then the next you've got this dark and mysterious exterior I cant even begin to understand._

_Who is the real Sirius Black?_

I was broken up from thoughts as I felt James nudge me, I turned to look at him, 'What?' I asked.

James sniggered, 'Sorry Pads, you looked funny staring dreamily at your shepherd's pie,' he said with a grin, I could hear Remus and Peter trying to stifle their laughs.

I glared at him, 'I'll have you know, that I have a perfectly good relationship with my quiche!' I said, deciding to play along, there was no point constantly thinking about Sian, it just bewildered me.

Remus raised his hands, 'Whoa, don't go there! I told you how much I liked the quiche! Some friend you are Padfoot!' he said.

And as the typical Marauders banter started, occasionally joined in by Lily who was finding this quite entertaining, I watched Sian and Dorcas talk, Sian kept nodding and Dorcas looked stressed, Sian glanced up at me but looked away as she saw me staring.

After that, dinner was uneventful, the Marauder teasing carried on, and when Dumbledore finished his start of year speech, I felt awfully tired.

James and Lily left to go to a Head's meeting, and I walked to the Gryffindor tower with Remus and Peter telling them what had happened with Sian and James, but nothing else.

'James has no idea?' Remus asked, surprised that his friend could be so unaware.

'None, he was still _wondering_ why Sian was mad at him,' I said lightly, trying to look as if none of this bothered me.

'Do you think Sian likes James?' asked Peter in wonderment.

Remus didn't looked too surprised at this question, but I spoke quickly, 'No way,' I said, and as we entered the common room, which was quite packed.

I noticed some girls standing close to the portrait hole and I immediately turned to them, mumbling goodbye to Remus and Peter as they smirked at me.

As I walked over to the girls who looked pleased that I coming over, I saw Sian staring at me, as if waiting for me, and I stopped in my tracks, turning towards her.

'Fascinated by my face Masterson?' I asked, my cheeky exterior playing up as it always did in front of Sian.

She rolled her eyes, 'No Sirius, don't make this harder than it already is,' she sighed, 'I just wanted to say good night – and erm, thank you… for everything. Even though you were a jerk in the process.'

My eyes widened in surprise, Sian was _thanking_ me, and I hoped to Merlin that I wasn't turning red, and before I could do anything, she leant and kissed me on the cheek, her lips touching for at least five seconds before she pulled away, she smiled at me and raised her hand in goodbye as she trekked to Dorcas who was waiting for, the girls linked arms as they walked up the stairs.

I was left in a daze, shocked at what had just happened.

I saw James walk towards me, looking ecstatic, 'Lily and me have our own common room!' he exclaimed, I grinned at him, teasing him for being hopelessly in love, and as we headed towards our dormitory, James singing love songs much to the fright of many second years, I couldn't help but touch my cheek, my skin still tingling where her lips had touched.

And it was then I knew that I was in way over my head.

--

**Sian**

'So Sirius knows everything?' Dorcas asked in a hushed voice as she fluffed her pillows, I was lucky to have her bed right next to mine; it was perfect for our midnight talks.

Our dormitory had three other girls, Lily, Emmeline Vance and Rainer Reinford, who all hung around with each other. I was good friends with Emmeline and Rainer, and sometimes even hung out with them because they were good company, but I had distanced myself from Lily over the years.

Rainer was an inquisitive person, perhaps a bit annoying at times, she had circular glasses and brown frizzy hair, she was a little over weight too, but I suspected that if she tried, she could look very pretty. Emmeline was thin and sort of peaky looking, there were times when I thought her to be anorexic, but I never had time to dwell on that. She was quite pretty, but not in the way that boys would fawn over her. Not like Lily, who was extremely pretty, and unique looking, with her fiery dark red hair and piercing green eyes.

Dorcas was my survival in school though, and she was the _best_ friend I had. I knew I was lucky to have her, and I constantly told her so. She knew all of my secrets and as I did hers.

'He promised not to tell anyone,' I said to her as I unpacked my things, 'And I believe him,' I added, I had told her all about what had happened between Sirius and me, and we were just going through things like we always did.

I sent Lily a scathing look, she was giggling about something with Emmeline and I heard the name 'James' a couple of times.

'You know what I think Sian?' Dorcas said thoughtfully, 'I always suspected he liked you.'

'Sirius doesn't like me,' I protested as I got into my bed, still talking quietly so that the other girls wouldn't hear. 'He's – very mysterious isn't he?'

'And we all know you don't fall for the dark and brooding type,' Dorcas smirked.

I rolled my eyes, 'He's made me rethink this whole plan of mine,' I said my voice going serious, 'What do you think?

'Probably along the same lines,' Dorcas sighed, as she put her duvet over her shoulders and snuggled into it, 'It's been a really long time since you've liked James, don't you think?'

I nodded, 'I don't feel like talking about it anymore,' I said, and was about to close my hangings when I heard Lily call, 'Good night Sian!' and I groaned inwardly and said good night to her.

Dorcas laughed lightly, and said so only I could hear, 'She's going to be all friendly with you now, because of James.'

'One less person that hates me,' I said.

'James doesn't hate you,' insisted Dorcas.

'He will now, after the way I acted with him,' I said with a groan.

'Yeah, but you had the right to act that way,' said Dorcas, 'The ignorant bastard.'

I laughed bitterly, finding nothing funny about her comment I mumbled good night and shut the hangings around me. I turned in my bed and tried to find comfort in my pillow, feeling quite drowsy all at once. I suppose Dorcas was right, I did have that right. I know it wasn't fair of me to be mad at him because of Lily, but I realised that wasn't the only reason.

Over the years it was he who had pushed me away from him, and he never realised he was doing it, which angered me. We hung out over the summer holidays, but I had barely seen him last summer, only hanging out a couple of times. And when I had gone to Dorcas's he had complained about it.

I wondered why I hadn't said anything to him then, but I knew I was desperate to have any sort of relationship with James, never telling him when I was mad or angry at him, or that he had upset me, which he seemed to be doing an awful lot lately.

The truth was, every time he did something, he would do one thing nice and I would forget all about them, but they mattered. Did I not matter to him? Did he not care how I felt?

I knew I was in love with him, but I only just realised how badly I didn't want to be. How nice it would be to be around James and not think about how I wanted to kiss him. Or how nice he looked in his top.

I didn't want to like him anymore, and I wanted things to go back to the way they were. When I could easily talk to him and babble on about random things. Now I would keep thinking of ways to impress him, things that would make him laugh.

I wanted to go back to being friends with him. I wanted him as so much more, but if he wasn't willing, I would have to resolve to just being friends. Which was better than being his nothing.

And as I lay in bed, my eyes staring at the ceiling above, feeling very heavy. I decided:

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, was determined to get over James Potter.

And perhaps be a bit nicer to Lily.

And get to know Sirius too.

--

**Author's Note**

**A big thanks to people who reviewed!**

**I know it seems like there is a lot of Lily and James bashing, but this will change, I repeat, this will change.**

**Also, this is quite angsty, different from other stories I have written, and my first full attempt at a Sirius and OC. **

**So if I struggle, or you feel I have written a crapola chapter, you'll know why.**

**Please leave a review – I would love to know your thoughts.**

**And if you're an author, you'll know how much they mean.**

**Thanks again.**


	3. Chapter 2: Never Let This Go

**Chapter 2**

**Never Let This Go**

_Maybe if my heart stops beating  
It won't hurt this much  
And never will I have to answer  
Again to anyone  
Please don't get me wrong  
Because I'll never let this go  
But I can't find the words to tell you  
I don't want to be alone  
But now I feel like I don't know you  
One day you'll get sick of  
saying that everything's alright  
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending  
Just like I am tonight  
Please don't get me wrong  
Because I'll never let this go  
But I can't find the words to tell you  
I don't want to be alone  
But now I feel like I don't know you  
Let this go, let this go  
But I'll never let this go  
But I can't find the words to tell you  
I don't want to be alone_

_But now I feel like I don't know you_

'_**Never Let This Go, By Paramore.'**_

**Sirius**

I jerked awake to the sound of James and his traditional way of waking me up, he would blast open my hangings and then shout 'Wake Up!' and this had been my alarm clock for many years. I grinned in spite myself, even though I felt irritated at him, but just being back at Hogwarts and knowing this would be happening for another year made me quite happy.

After many arguments over who got to use the bathroom first (the rule was whoever woke up first got to go, except everyone insisted that they had waken up before the other resulting in some arguments and Peter with bubble gum pink hair), we had got dressed and were heading down for breakfast, today was our official first day of classes, and though this thought made me shiver I felt glad to be back.

The Great Hall was quite empty when we got there, and I sent James a scornful look realising that he had woken me up quite early. He laughed nervously, 'Haha, I thought it was half eight, my mistake,' he said, and received three blows on the back of his head as we sat on the Gryffindor table.

My eyes lit up as I saw Sian and Dorcas sitting near the end, looking as they always did, in urgent conversation. I noticed that they were always like this, what did they find to talk about?

I suppose people could say the same about the Marauders or anyone else, but I wondered most about those two, they were really close, and it was just the two of them. I shook these thoughts off as I took a bite of my sausage, and launched myself into a conversation with James about when he would hold Quidditch tryouts.

We were interrupted when James noticed Lily and Emmeline heading down for breakfast; his face broke into a cheesy grin, I rolled my eyes but smiled nonetheless at Lily who sat herself down next to James with a giggle.

Last year she would have never done this, not the giggling bit, but the part about actually being on good terms with James. She claimed she had hated him since the first time they met, things started changing in sixth year as Lily began to see a different side of our Prongs, and they were hitting it off now.

I turned to Peter who had fallen asleep in his plate, I sniggered and turned to Remus, 'How long you reckon this is going to last Moony?' I asked looking pointedly at James and Lily.

Remus grinned but shrugged, 'I'd give it a long time, Prongs has finally got her, don't think he's going to let go anytime soon,' he said, and his words made me glance at Sian, who was laughing with Dorcas.

_Just let go of the love of my life without a fight?_

I nodded and snickered, 'I sort of enjoyed it more when she was biting his head off,' I said.

'And when he would try and come up with ways to get him to like her,' added Remus.

'Ah, good times,' we sighed in unison theatrically, and grinned.

I had always liked Remus, quiet though he was, he could be extremely clever and funny when he wanted to, many called him the sensible one of the Marauders, and I agreed with them. He kept us in line and prevented many fights, and usually stopped us from doing the stupid things we were prone to do.

'What's first lesson?' I asked with a yawn, as I leant over to get some orange juice.

'Double potions,' he answered with a groan.

I rolled my eyes, 'Whoop de do,' I said without any emotion, and Remus laughed.

'Whoop de do indeed, we have a half hour till classes start,' he said, glancing down at his wristwatch.

'I don't know about you, but I feel like having a wander around the grounds,' I said, and put my legs over the bench to get up, 'Anyone up for a wander?' I asked, looking at Remus and James.

James shook his head, 'I think I'm going to stay here and finish my breakfast,' he said, and Remus nodded, 'I think I'll do the same,' he said apologetically.

I shrugged, 'Suit yourself,' I said, as I swung my bag over my shoulder. I found myself not really caring that I was going alone, all the years at the Black house had made me used to this, and though I liked having company, I realised that I sometimes craved some time to myself, to gather my thoughts.

I waved as I picked a bagel up, and walked out of the Great Hall, unaware of the eyes that followed me out.

--

**Potions**

'Have you talked to Sian?' I asked James in a low voice as I swung back on my chair.

James shook his head and I sighed inside, wondering why he appeared not to care that one of his best friend's was hurting, I mean it was pretty obvious wasn't it? I saw it, Remus and Peter saw it, and surely it should have been clearer to James, seeing how close he is to her?

'Why not?' I asked nonchalantly, as I looked at my nails, not paying attention to what Slughorn was going on about.

James shrugged as he turned to look at me, 'I just haven't had the chance yet,' he said guiltily.

'Too busy with Lily?' I smirked, 'What is going on with you two anyway?'

James grinned, 'I was wondering when you would ask me that; you're usually the first one to. Erm, I apologised to Lily after the meeting, and after that I asked her out and she said she'd consider it because she doesn't know me that well, and I then offered that before she consider she at least try being friends with me. And that's what we are… yet.'

I grinned, 'Get in there mate,' I said with a laugh, and was immediately told to be quiet by Slughorn, I rolled my eyes at him but nodded politely.

'I'll talk to Sian after Potions, we've got break after this anyway,' James whispered and I nodded.

We were told to get into pairs to work on a Strengthening potion, I moved next to Peter, as James got with Remus.

Peter was perhaps the odd one out of the group, he wasn't as tall as the rest of us and was more interested in food then girls. Nevertheless, I found that I liked the guy, stupid though he could be at times; he would sometimes be the brains of our pranks and would be a big help in sneaking around. I suppose he got us into trouble at times, but it was amazing how he could also lie on the spot and make clever excuses. He was a funny guy really, always up for a laugh, and the main thing was that he was loyal and kind, and we appreciated having him in our group, even though people reckoned we only let him tag along with us.

I sniggered as I watched Peter chuck some boomslang skin at Snape who kept turning around furiously, wiping his head and trying to figure out whom it was, as Peter would start innocently cutting his frog's spawn every time Snape would do this.

'Here you go Wormtail,' I said, passing Peter some more skin, it was the first day and pranks was something I was not in the mood for.

It sort of made me laugh the way people assumed I was, 'pranks is what Sirius Black is all about!' I had heard some people say, but why was it? Yes, I enjoyed pranks; it made life fun and something not to worry about. I was laidback and I liked doing things that made no sense, but pranks were not what I was all about. It amazed me at how little people seemed to know me, 'that Sirius Black is well mysterious is he not?' girls would say, and then throw themselves at me.

I wasn't like Remus, who would get all interested in books, or like James who had Lily to occupy his time, or Peter who would flirt with girls he would never get and then eat, I didn't have that thing – so pranks was what I was left with.

I liked fighting, that's what it was, fighting for what I believed in, having a good duel, learning new spells, hexes and jinxes. Sometimes to use for pranks, yes, but mostly for defence. I didn't like the girls that fawned over me either, they would agree with everything I would say and then giggle. But that's not what I was after. And no, I didn't snog anything that moved.

Me, I liked a good challenge.

Just then, I heard a big bang and looked around to see Snape with his hair burnt and sticking up in odd places, and his cauldron knelt over, potion bubbling out of it, I could see Peter and James stifling their sniggers as an angry Snivellus turned on them with his wand. Immediately, all of the Marauders wands were out, this was the rule, you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.

Slughorn rushed over shouting in that booming voice of his as he sent Snape to the hospital wing and gave us detentions, even though Remus and me had done nothing, there was no point arguing about this and we equally accepted the blame, laughing at how we had gotten detention on our first day.

James was in good spirits as we walked out, but as we did so, a dishevelled Lily approached us, looking quite furious at James and the rest of us.

James opened his mouth to speak but Lily held a hand in front of his face, 'What happened to "I've decided to be mature this year Lily!" That was not mature at all! You're Head Boy! What the hell had Severus done to you? Ugh, you are so inconsiderate Potter!" she said with one last dirty look and before James could say anything, she left with a wild expression on her face.

James groaned as she did this, and turned to us, as we tried to stop smirking, he looked like a five year old who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, 'I guess I cant prank Snivellus this year,' he said.

Peter sniggered, 'We know someone who'll be sleeping on the couch tonight,' he said, and I laughed and Remus smiled at this comment, James glared at us.

'I'm glad you find this funny!' he snapped, 'But no pranks on Snivellus is a big deal!'

I sighed and put an arm around my worried friend, 'Prongs, Prongs, Prongs, you simply mistook the way Lily meant this, no pranks _around_ her, as long as she doesn't find out, we're free to do whatever!' I said with triumph.

James face broke into a grin, 'Oh yeah…' he said, but his face fell again, 'But I still have to make up with Lily…' he said.

_I'll talk to Sian after Potions, we've got break after this anyway._

I looked at James warningly, 'You said you'd talk to Sian,' I said, my good mood evaporating, I suddenly felt angry with my friend for being ignorant and uncaring.

'I'll talk to her after! She'll understand!' insisted James, and I saw Remus roll his eyes at him, even Peter looked a bit unsure.

'Suit yourself,' I said coolly, and James looked taken aback, but he just shrugged and walked away calling Lily's name.

I watched him walk away and I shared an irritated look with Remus.

'Come on mate, lets get some food,' he said to me, 'I feel like getting some carrots.'

This comment made me grin and I nodded, determined not to get in a mood with something that had nothing to do with me, but as we turned to walk towards the kitchens, I saw Sian standing there, looking at me with an expression I couldn't recognize. I felt grateful that Remus and Peter were walking in front of me, I smiled and winked at her, uncertain of what else to do, 'I'm still holding you for that getting to know each other thing,' I said randomly, and then without letting her answer, caught up with Peter and Remus.

--

**Sian**

'He's being so different with me Dorcas,' I said as I reapplied some lip-gloss in the bathrooms before we headed to Charms. 'It's really… weird, but sort of refreshing at the same time.'

'Different as in better or worse?' Dorcas asked as I handed her the lip-gloss and she put some on.

'I'm not sure… its aggravating, I cant seem to figure it out really, better I suppose, he's nicer but much more… I don't know, the only word for it is different,' I sighed; I looked around to check if anyone was in the toilets and I packed my bag. 'We better go, break's over in three minutes.'

Dorcas nodded and slung her bag over her shoulder as I did the same; I linked my arm with her as we walked to Flitwick's class, Dorcas telling me about how her mother had hired a private trainer to keep herself entertained during the holidays. I laughed as Dorcas described each muscle movement with added drama, glad that I could be at ease and not be talking about something serious all the time.

As we reached, a little queue was gathered outside and chatter was all around. I quickly scanned the crowd for the Marauders and found them, laughing about something. I turned away and started talking to Emmeline.

As I turned back to Dorcas I noticed James walking towards me, and my heart beat faster with each step he took, I saw Dorcas looking at me with raised eyebrows and I shrugged at her. James smiled at me as he came closer and I did not return it.

'Hi Sian,' he said, and as he was about to say something else the door opened and people started walking into the Charms classroom, I walked away from him and took a seat next to Dorcas. Automatically, Sirius got into a seat next to me, and I smiled at him despite the aggravation I had with him, he returned this smile and beckoned for James to sit next to him, immediately my smile faltered and I turned away to talk to Dorcas.

'She's pissed at me,' I could hear James say, and I rolled my eyes.

'You think?' I heard Sirius whisper back, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

And what they said next I didn't hear, as Flitwick launched into a speech about how our NEWTs were extremely important and then discussing the syllabus, for once I concentrated on him, finding it easier then trying to figure out why James seemed so unconcerned that I was 'pissed' at him.

After that, the lesson went by quite quick, I partnered up with Dorcas as we revised charms that we had done since our first year, I managed not to look at James once throughout the lesson although Dorcas kept saying that he was trying to catch my eye. I shrugged it off and pretended I didn't care, but I knew better, and I know Dorcas did as well, though she tried not to act it.

I was happy to know that James did care, that he wasn't unconcerned and he wanted to know what was wrong with me. I decided to give in, and when James called my name after Charm, I told Dorcas to go ahead without me and I turned to face James.

'Hey Sian,' he said carefully, and I nodded to him trying not to give anything away. 'What's the matter?' he asked me finally, 'Have I done something?'

I looked at him in disbelief; because how could he imply that he still didn't know what was bothering me. How could almost everyone else around me see that, and James, the person I had grown up with, spent most of my life with, not? I looked around the corridor, which was fairly empty except for a couple of students scurrying to their lessons, standing near one of the empty classroom's was Sirius, and he was talking to a sixth year girl.

I sighed and shook my head as James waited patiently for an answer, 'I'm going to be late for Arthimancy,' I just said, suddenly feeling as if a heavy weight had been parked into my heart.

Was I overreacting? Knowing me, I probably was. Maybe James was just being himself, and perhaps I was just thinking that he was being ignorant. I was, I had to. I was probably wrong anyway; I was most of the time.

I never made the right decisions, I knew this, and being angry with James was just another bad decision. I should probably just forget about everything, pretend it's fine and act like it doesn't bother me that James never knows when he's wrong.

If he ever was wrong, it was probably me all along. Why would James want me anyway? Why would I be looked at when Perfect Lily Evans would be there?

In my family, I had always been treated like I didn't exist, and it didn't hurt much when they did it because I had grown used to it. It was much worse now because I had grown so emotionally attached to James, craving him constantly.

I was going to ignore James now. I didn't need him, and I'd show him just that.

But I did need James, just as something. And no matter how much I vowed not to talk to him, eventually I would cave and spill everything. Which was what I should have done in the first place, what was I doing thinking that pretending would solve anything?  
I would have to talk, and I mentally slapped myself, because I had just given that chance up. James had come to talk to me and I had acted like some drama queen and walked away.

I always make the wrong decisions.

--

**Sirius**

'- Looked at me like I was mad or something, and then she just walked away saying she was late for class,' James was saying with a defeated expression on his face, I felt sorry for him and annoyed at my best friend at the same time. I almost laughed at this situation, but instead I exchanged frustrated glances with Remus and Peter.

Remus sighed, but said nothing; it was obvious that he was bursting to say something, as was I.

'First day back and I've already managed to anger two of the most important girls in my life,' James said, as he put his head in his hands.

'So I'm guessing you haven't talked to Lily yet?' Peter asked trying hard not to smirk.

James shook his head, 'I couldn't find her,' he said, 'And I didn't want to talk to her in Charms and cause a scene you know?'

'You mean like the ones that had been happening for the past four years?' Remus asked. 'I think I might know what you mean,' he said with fake seriousness, and Peter sniggered at this as he reached over to get some fish in a platter.

'I think you should just try talking to her again,' I said casually ignoring Peter, although I had a very strong urge to laugh as well.

'I would if I could find her,' James said.

I groaned, 'Not _her_, Sian! I mean Sian! She's sitting at the end of the table, isn't it just easier to go talk to her?' I said.

'Of course it is,' said Remus as he took a bite of his sandwich without a care, 'He's just too much of a wimp to confront her.'

James glared at Remus, 'I'm not scared of confronting Sian! It should be Lily I should be scared of confronting anyway, you know what the wrath of Lily is like,' he said, only sounding like he was trying to convince himself though.

'Except you haven't ever had Sian be mad at you so you don't really know how she's going to react,' said Peter wisely.

'Oh fine,' said James rolling his eyes, 'I'll go talk to her.'

This time I reacted looking up with an angry jolt, 'James, you've been best friends forever, you said so yourself, you have _got_ to start caring more,' I said, before realising what I was saying.

James looked uncertain, 'I do care,' he said, 'Of course I care, Sian means everything to me, she knows that.'

'She obviously doesn't,' I snapped, letting get my frustration get the better of me, I sighed then and quickly changed my expression to one that said I was bored. 'Just go talk to her.'

James nodded, and picked his things up and hurried over to the end of the table where Sian, Dorcas and Rainer were sitting.

--

**Sian**

I had my eyes fixed towards my plate as Dorcas told me James was coming down to where we were sat. I had rolled my eyes at this, but inside I was bursting with joy. I would get to sort things out with James – and I didn't even have to approach him myself.

'Can I talk to you Sian?' I heard James's soothing voice say to me, and I looked up, hoping that the giddy feeling wasn't showing on my face.

I nodded, and picked my bag up from under the table, 'I'll see you in Defence,' I said to Dorcas, who was grinning at me, and I followed James out of the Great Hall.

I felt a pair of eyes following me but I ignored this, refusing to look anywhere but straight ahead. As we stepped outside the Great Hall, where a lot of people stood chattering, I looked over at James, and realised that he looked quite grateful that I had come. I looked down again as we walked to the Gryffindor tower in silence, did James not expect me to come?

Obviously not, seeing how I had acted before. I wondered what he was going to say to me, and as we arrived at the portrait hole, both of us saying 'Balderdash' in unison, to a quite empty common room as most people were at lunch, I saw James look uncomfortable.

'How've you been?' he finally asked me, as we sat at a table.

I nodded, 'Okay,' I shrugged, 'You?'

'I've been good,' he said.

I shook my head with a roll of my eyes, 'James, you're acting like we haven't seen each other in months,' I said, forgetting about the silent treatment.

James looked sheepish, and shuffled in his chair, 'Well… I sort of, thought you were mad at me,' he said, I didn't say anything, but held his gaze, 'Look Sian, what's up? I mean, you snapped at me in the train, and you've been ignoring me since, what have I done?'

'It's not been that long since the train,' I said stubbornly, 'It was only yesterday,' I was changing the subject from what was really bothering me. I would imagine conversations where I would blurt out my true feelings, and then James would gush and say that he felt the same way and he had thought that I didn't.

'This is not about the train!' snapped James, his mouth twisted, 'Well it is, I mean… be honest Sian, what the bloody hell is going on?'

I felt rage sweep through me and I got up with swift anger, I banged my fist on the table, 'You are such an ignorant bastard!' I yelled, I didn't care anymore, all I wanted was to know why James could be so clueless.

James looked taken aback, I sighed frustrated and I raised my hands in disbelief, 'You've been gone all summer! You were at Sirius's for most of it, and the minute I went to Dorcas's house you owled my saying I was bloody _betraying_ our summer tradition! Go look into that thick head James, _you_ left first, and suddenly I'm guilty of _betrayal_. Oh terribly sorry James, I'll just sit and wait for you to come back from Sirius's and then we can stay up and play happy families. Is that what you wanted?' I shouted, glad that there was no one around.

'What are you talking about?' James asked, getting up as well. 'Where the hell is all this coming from?'

'It's not _coming _from anywhere! It's been there always. You are such a _dick_ it's almost laughable. Even your bloody Marauders can see that you never even talk to me anymore, it's always about you!' I said, my voice quietening, I added, 'What happened James? We were best friends…'

'_Were_? Sian, we still _are_,' James said, his voice softening and coming close to me, I hated him for this, my heart sped up as I felt his breath on my face.

'Are we?' I asked, looking up at him, ignoring the feeling that had settled in me, 'Because it certainly doesn't seem like we are.'

James hesitated, 'Well – I know I've been distant lately, and there's a lot going on,' he started, but then stopped as he saw the expression on my face when he started the excuses, his face immediately softened, and I had an immense urge to kiss him there and then, but I restrained myself, and found pleasure in his touch as he cupped my cheek and looked deeply into my eyes.

'I'm sorry,' he said, 'It's just – so many things are happening, and on top of it all. Lily's mad at me again for hexing Snape… And well, I need you to know that you're my top, right? You mean the world to me, and if – if, I cant stand you being mad at me too, I mean you're Sian… _my _Sian. Its always been James and Sian, right?'

I could feel tears building up in my eyes, but I blinked them back as I nodded, and felt even perhaps more sad as James wrapped his arm around me and I wrapped mine around his neck, enjoying the feel and saddening at the thought that he was someone else's.

'I love you Sian, I really do, you're like the sister I never wanted,' James said quietly, and I stiffened but managed a quiet laugh, mental images of me saying 'I love you' and then both of us kissing ferociously after this confession flashed in my head, and I mumbled 'I love you too,' into James's chest, ignoring the fact of how true this actually was and hoping to God that he would somehow realise that I _loved_ him, not as a friend, not as a brother, I already had one of those, and he didn't mean anything to me, and then confess his undying love for me and then we'd get married and have lots of babies, like we had said we would.

He pulled apart, 'I promise, I'll spend more time with you, I want to, really I do, I just need to sort this stuff out with Lily,' he said, I felt a pang at her name but I nodded with a smile, 'Go get her tiger,' I said with a laugh, and he grinned and kissed me on the cheek. And as he turned, and as did I, a particular red head stood there, watching this whole display, and my mouth dropped, as did James, who quickly shook his head as he saw the look on Lily's face, had she heard him say that he loved me, and then by some fate of the God not heard the part where he had added 'you're like the sister I never wanted'?

Christmas had come early this year.

'Lily, I – come on-' James started, disbelief on his face, I don't know what was going through my head, all I did know was that I wasn't going to stand and let Lily think something was going on between us, no matter how much I wanted it to, I would have to begin to realise that nothing ever would, so why should I be the one to deprive James from Lily? At least he would be happy, and maybe that would bring me happiness.

'Lily, you cant possibly think something is going on between me and James, that's insane,' I said firmly, even though each word like a stab straight to the chest to me.

Lily shook her head, 'Oh,' she said softly, and her look clearly said that she had no idea what was going on, suspicion was written all over her face.

James looked at me gratefully and turned to Lily, 'Can we talk?' he said, he mouthed 'thanks' to me as he left, walking after Lily.

I sighed, feeling proud at myself at what I had done. No sense to why I had done it. The perfect opportunity had come, I could have ruined things for Lily and James then and there, but I had stayed away from that road, instead I jumped to James's rescue, the guy who didn't seem to be there for me anymore.

I felt stupid _and_ proud now.

Stupid for giving up such a brilliant chance, proud because I had helped James possibly be happy.

And wasn't that what love was? Not feeling jealous, finding happiness in your loved ones happiness? If that made any sense.

I put my head in my hands as I sat down, who was I to know what love was anyway? It was useless, and caused you nothing but pain. I didn't want to be in love with James, because no matter how much people said that love was the greatest thing in the world, to me it didn't make a difference, not if you weren't loved back.

I felt tears run down my cheeks, and I swiftly wiped them away, feeling pathetic at the fact that I was crying over something that would seem so little to somebody else. But not to me, this felt like the greatest trauma in the world to me, my world was crashing down because of one mere person.

I felt someone's strong arms around me, not caring who it was, I buried myself into the person sitting next to me, and I sobbed quietly, feeling more pathetic by the second.

After what seemed like half an hour, though it couldn't possibly be so as the bell would have gone, I pulled apart and was genuinely surprised to see that it was Sirius to my rescue yet again.

'How do you always know when to comfort me?' I asked, wiping my tears and laughing lightly.

Sirius grinned, 'I just seem to be in the right place at the right time,' he said, a hint of cheek in his eyes.

'Or you're spying on me,' I said, with a sniff.

Sirius laughed, 'Don't flatter yourself Masterson,' he said.

This made me laugh bitterly, and he looked at me puzzled, 'It fascinates me how you can turn from nice guy to jerk in mere seconds,' I said.

'Ah, well that is a talent,' he said, and I shook my head, it was funny how just being around Sirius made me forget that I had been sobbing my eyes out only minutes ago. 'It's one of many things you don't know about me Sian, so what do you think I really am, nice guy… or jerk as you put it?' he asked.

I stayed quiet, thinking this through, and then finally decided, 'Nice guy definitely,' I said with a smile.

And he smiled back at me, and put an arm around me, his face had gone serious, and I enjoyed watching his sudden mood changes, 'That was a – brave thing you did Sian,' he said quietly, and I put my head on his shoulder.

'Glad to know someone feels that way, it seems like I just did the stupidest thing in the world,' I said.

'What you did wasn't _that_ big,' scoffed Sirius, and I looked up at him, scowling, 'It was for me,' I said, 'I could have messed things up for Lily and James…'

Sirius grinned, 'Exactly, and you didn't, which is why it isn't the stupidest thing in the world… Although James would have explained sooner or later, so all you'd have really done would be delaying them going out…' he said, I frowned at him, knowing he was right.

'Still, what you did was a very nice thing, which is why you should be proud of yourself,' he said, lightly punching my arm.

I smiled at him, 'There,' I said, 'You did it again.'

'Did what?' he asked me, his eyebrows raising the way they always did when he asked a question.

'The whole going from jerk to nice guy, and nice guy to jerk so quick,' I said, just as I heard the bell go for our next class.

Sirius smirked, 'If you say so Masterson,' he said, and he pulled his arm away from me, and got up, 'Let's ditch classes,' he said.

I shook my head as I got up, I didn't plan on missing any classes on the first day, plus I was curious to know who our new teacher was, I knew it was a woman, but I hadn't been paying attention to Dumbledore, so I had no idea what her name was or what she looked like, I liked Defence anyway.

'No way,' I said, 'There's only one class left anyway, one hour, then we're free!' I punched my fist in the air and got a weird look from Sirius and a second year behind him, I grinned sheepishly at them.

'Fine,' said Sirius in mock disappointment, 'Want to go to the kitchens after though?' his eyebrows were raised again, and I tried to hide my smirk, it amused me how he never stopped doing that.

I nodded, 'Definitely,' I said, 'I didn't have lunch, my stomach's grumbling.'

'I know, I can hear it,' he said with a laugh, I scowled at him, but it quickly turned into a smile.

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, was sure that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

No cliché intended.

--


	4. Chapter 3: Over My Head

**Chapter 3**

**Over My Head**

_She will chase you around for a while;_

_But there's going to be a day when she's going to stop running circles around you_

_She's going to get over you;_

_& Then maybe_

_Just maybe;_

_You're going to wish you had let her catch you_

**x**

_But if I try  
To make sense of this mess I'm in  
I'm not sure where I should begin  
I'm falling, I'm falling_

_Now I'm __in over my head, for something I said  
Completely misread, I'm better off dead  
And now I can see, how fake you can be  
This hypocracy's beginning to get to  
This came long before those who suffer more  
I'm too awake for this to be a nightmare  
What's with my disgrace I lost the human race  
No one plans for it to blow up in their face  
Who said it was easy to put back all these pieces  
Who said it was so easy to put back all of these pieces_

_But if I try  
To make sense of this mess I'm in  
I'm not sure where I should begin  
I'm falling, I'm falling_

'_Over My Head' by Sum41._

**Sian**

I felt like I had wasted so much of my life dwelling on something that was never going to happen. And it wasn't a good feeling. One minute your life's all about that one person, how you'll talk to them, how you might approach them, what they said to you, what you said to them, it becomes a routine. But what do you do when that has to change? Suddenly that one person isn't what your life is about, and new people start to enter it, do you carry on and accept the change or do you want to go back to the way things were?

I wasn't sure.

Was I glad that I had finally got some sense into me and that I wasn't going to spend most of my time talking about James, wondering why James looked at me like that, why James liked Lily, why James wore green when blue suited him so much more, dwelling on whether or not James was also secretly in love with me but was afraid I didn't feel the same way? 

Yes, I definitely was. 

But I didn't want to let go. It was too damn hard. Not when James was what my life was all about. How could I suddenly drop all of that? But then I could concentrate on other things, school for one, I could do good in school and then I would get good grades and then perhaps have a good magical career, away from my family, away from James, and I could start over. 

No more past. Just the present and the future to look forward to, perhaps fall in love with someone else, and have them love me back, maybe get married, have a couple of kids, a good career. What a dream. 

I liked this dream. I wanted this dream. And hopefully I would get this dream, and change it into reality.

I had a plan now. I would change. Make things better for myself; make more friends, perhaps join new clubs, do things I've never done before, be less selfish, and make up for lost time.

And I was thinking through this, as I lay in bed at around midnight, unable to sleep, for the third night in a row. It seemed unreal that I was back at Hogwarts, so much had happened and only a week had passed. I knew I wasn't an insomniac, but nevertheless, my thoughts kept me awake too much, was it wrong that I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid of dreaming of him? Though I hoped it wouldn't happen anymore, all I needed was something positive and now that I had that, I would be able to sleep. However, not tonight, because tonight I was excited, I wanted to do something wild. Alas I could not do so without disturbing anyone, so once again I would be on my own.

But I had found in the past that I liked this from time to time, being alone was somehow calming. So I softly crept out of bed, trying my hardest not to make any noise, and closed my hangings behind me. I walked downstairs, and smiled at the fireplace gleaming in front of me as I reached the common room; eerily quite but still cosily warm; and I quickly leant against an armchair and held my hands out in front of the fireplace. 

I don't remember what time I fell asleep, all I do remember is that when I woke up, I woke up to one of the best sleeps I had had in a long time. However, I had a quilt wrapped on me, and I wasn't leaning against an armchair, I was on a big squashy couch, more comfortable then I had ever been. I looked around, there was not a single person in sight for which I was thankful for, being found asleep in the common room was not something I looked forward to in the morning.

I checked the time and found that it was only half six, yet I felt wide awake, deciding to make the most of the morning, I headed back to my dorm, I would take a shower, make an effort to look good, have a nice breakfast, perhaps go to class a bit early, talk to some people I didn't usually converse with.

Feeling confident, I went into the shower, letting the hot water take the tension away. I stepped in front of the mirror, magically drying my hair and letting it fall into curls; a spell I had learnt in a book Dorcas had given me for my birthday years ago. I slipped my robes on, cleaning any dirt I had on it, I brushed my teeth and decided to head downstairs, aware that no one in my dorm was awake yet. I had the urge to wake Dorcas up, but I felt like I wanted to start this day on my own. 

It was half seven now, and I could hear noises from other dorms, sure that many people were awake. The quiet had been nice when it had lasted, I thought, shrugging to myself. 

I liked the new positive attitude that I had, I wanted to smile and laugh, and not think about things that made me upset constantly. I enjoyed breakfast, even though there were only about ten people in the Hall, I liked it, I ate what I wanted, never having been one of those people who kept a watchful eye on what they ate. I pulled a piece of parchment from my bag, having decided that I would write to Sandra, tell her how I was, she had not yet written to me, but I knew that I would get a letter the same time James did.

_**Dear Sandra**_ (I scribbled)

_**How are you? I'm doing quite well. Seventh year, I know, I can't believe it's my last year here, feels so weird. School is good, if you wanted to know. We have a new Defence teacher, just like every year. She's called Helen Tate, and she's an ex-Auror. And very fascinating too, best teacher yet I reckon. You might know her, as she seemed to know who James was. **_

_**How's Harold? Tell him to stay out of trouble. He seems to attract a lot of it. And before you ask, no I haven't found anyone I like. And yes I do drink milk everyday, but I sincerely miss your hot chocolates! I don't suppose you could send me a batch, with a bit of your homemade fudge? Thanks!**_

_**Only joking, but I don't mind if you do, hint.**_

_**Love you always,**_

_**Sian**_

_**P.S. Some brownies would be nice too.**_

I folded this and slid it into an envelope, putting it into my bag after I had wrote the name. I looked around in surprise, the Hall had filled up in a mere ten minutes, and suddenly I wasn't alone. Sitting next to me was Lily, to my uttermost surprise.

'Hey Sian,' she said, as I looked at her curiously, I smiled at her in spite of myself, where had she come from? 'You were up early this morning,' she commented taking a bite of toast.

I nodded, deciding that if I was making a new start, there was no harm in being nice to someone who was already friendly. 'Yeah, it's new for me too,' I said, seeing no harm in being honest. 

'Who're you writing to? Your parents?' asked Lily, offering me an iced bun which I gratefully accepted. 

I took a bite and thought about how to answer this, then gradually nodded my head slowly, 'You could say that,' I said seriously.

She looked confused at my hesitancy, 'What does that mean?' she asked, 'If you don't mind me asking,' she added quickly.

I smiled at her, 'I don't mind,' I said, 'Well I'm – not exactly _close_, to my own parents. Honestly, I don't even think of them as my own parents.'

Lily nodded, 'So you still write to them though?' she asked.

'Well, no. I was actually writing to James's parents, well, his mum,' I said. 'They're sort of my surrogate parents really.'

Lily looked surprised but nodded understandingly, 'Wow,' she said, 'Well – I did not know that.'

I shrugged, 'You learn something new everyday,' I said nonchalantly, she laughed quietly. Here was Lily Evans, my previously sworn enemy, and I was talking to her, at breakfast for starters, and I was at ease.

Progress.

'You're – close, to James, aren't you?' asked Lily, after a couple of minutes.

I thought about this, since when was it so hard to answer simple questions. Was I close to James? I liked to think so, that I was at one point, perhaps even two months ago. Was I? Yes, I suppose I was. Not as close as I would like to be, but we had grown up together, that counted as close, right?

'Yes,' I simply said. 'As are you.'

She stared quietly at her plate, 'I used to hate him,' she said shaking her head, 'And now all I want to do is spend time with him.'

'That surprised the rest of us just as much as it surprises you,' I said.

Lily smiled lightly, 'I do really like him – he's just really, charming, you know? He makes me laugh for hours, and he's so sweet,' she said. 'When I heard him say I love you to you that day – I was crazily jealous.'

I felt my throat tighten, all the feelings came rushing to me, how James had hugged me tight, reassured me, made me feel that I was the only one worth living for, and then how Lily had turned up behind us, ruining everything. I knew I had to get over this unreasonable hatred I had for her; for she had been nothing but nice to me in all our years at Hogwarts, and if I was going to change, being nice to Lily and putting an effort into making friends with her was just something I would have to do.

'There's nothing between James and me,' I said, repeating the same words I had said to her a few days ago.

'I know that,' Lily said with a nod, 'I just – well, you know, if a guy is that close to a girl – well, you just think they're together, wouldn't you?'

'Yeah, I suppose I would,' I said, truly believing this, 'But I've known James since I was little, he's nothing more than a brother to me.'

One thing I had learnt since I was quite little.

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, was an amazing liar.

The lies poured out of me, and they didn't feel like lies anymore, just because I was so used to it. I felt extremely bad about this now; I didn't want to be a good liar. The only people I was now truly honest with were Dorcas, and well, Sirius?

_Sirius_?

'Sian?' asked Lily, who was waving a hand in front of my face, I looked at her sheepishly, 'Sorry, I wandered off,' I said.

'Hope I wasn't boring you,' Lily said with a laugh.

I smiled, 'No, you weren't, I've just got a lot on my mind,' I said, I glanced at my wristwatch, it was quarter past eight now, and I noticed the Hall was suddenly much more occupied.

I turned around just to see Sirius settling himself into a place next to me, he was alone. Without any time to think about it, I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, 'Good morning,' I said with a big smile, genuinely confused at what had made me do that.

He looked pleasantly surprised but he raised his eyebrows nevertheless and smirked, this was his way of saying 'good morning' I suppose.

He looked at Lily and then back at me, 'A new partner in crime I see,' he said.

I rolled my eyes, 'Hello Sirius,' Lily said warmly, it sometimes shocked me how nice that girl could be. Although it was a known fact that Lily hated the Marauders mostly for their bullying ways, it was also obvious that she was making an effort in being nice to them. Which made me think about how I was trying to do the same with her; this gave me some willpower to do so even more, I wasn't going to let Lily Evans beat me at something once again.

'Hey Evans,' Sirius said, it was blatantly obvious he was trying not to smirk, the usual bored expression had again overcome on his face, making it look like he was being forced to sit here.

I wondered why he was like that, when he was around people that weren't his friends, he'd always have that same expression, like he couldn't be bothered, but then when it would be just us two, he'd become excited, passionate even, he'd look like he was mesmerised by what I was saying, and I found that it was just fascinating going through what looks Sirius had and how he became different around each person. How did he do that? How did he change himself so effortlessly and so completely? It was bewildering, but I was sure I was the only one who probably noticed.

'Where's Dorcas?' he asked me, I understood that I had probably been staring at his face, but I couldn't help it, it was startling handsome and his expressions entranced me.

'Probably still asleep,' I said, trying not to emphasise that I had probably been staring intently at him.

I was about to ask him where James was, when Lily beat me to it, how could I not resent her when she could just be one step ahead of me all the time?

'He lost his lucky socks,' said Sirius, the smirk and the 'couldn't care less, but why are _you_ so bothered?' look on his face. Great, I had named his looks, and not even so cleverly.

'Oh,' Lily said, the poor girl obviously confused at how to reply to this statement, I took this as a liberty to be nice and explain the theory of James's lucky socks.

'James has these socks with brooms and snitches on them, his only pair, and he's had them since third year, he won his first match with them on so he thinks they're his lucky socks, he wears them everyday,' I said, glad that this was something about James I still knew.

Lily wrinkled her nose, 'He wears the same socks everyday?' she asked, disgust clearly written on her face. Here was another opportunity to make James look bad in Lily's eyes, but I reminded myself of my plan, I wasn't going to ruin anything for James, no matter how small.

'He washes them with his wand everyday, a simple 'Scourgify' charm,' I explained, wondering why on earth I was still having this conversation. I wanted nothing more than for Dorcas to come down but she had slept late the previous night and I knew she didn't really have breakfast anyway, I spotted Emmeline and Rainer sitting at the end of the table, looking exceedingly drowsy, and knew that I really couldn't be bothered striking up a conversation with them. 

I had just realised something, apart from Dorcas, I didn't really have any other close friends did I? The other girls from my dormitory were nice, and I suppose I was good friends with them, but I just didn't feel myself around them.

Around Lily, as I had noticed from this little experience, I just felt awkward, I couldn't speak to her without picking at her faults or just comparing on how she did things much better than I or resenting the fact that she had James and I didn't.

The positive mood I had had earlier had evaporated once again, and I wanted to get out of the hall and just do nothing. Because doing just nothing could be deeply calming at times. I wasn't cruel, I wasn't going to leave Lily with Sirius, I knew that I wouldn't mind, but a person like Lily probably would.

So I stayed sat there, staring fixedly at my plate, knowing for full sure that if I looked at Sirius I wouldn't be able to look away, and that any conversation I would have with Lily would be forcefully polite and awkward, at least on my behalf. I could hear Sirius eating, and what surprised me was how he ate with grace and not disgustingly like I knew many boys did, and how I had never noticed this after all the meals I had had with him. 

'Are you alright Sian?' Lily asked after a minute, I looked up and nodded with a smile, 'Yeah,' I said, and to my great relief I saw Remus entering the hall, followed by Peter who seemed to be dragging James inside who was saying quite loudly for the rest of the hall to hear, 'I need my lucky socks!' to much laughter.

I laughed as well, glad to be able to look at James without Sirius giving me suspicious looks. As soon as they sat on the table, James looking very grumpy, although this changed immediately as he saw Lily, I got up grabbing my bag.

'I'm going to get some fresh air before class,' I said, to any of them really. 

Without waiting for an answer, I turned away, hoping that it didn't seem like I was in a bad mood, because I really wanted to seem happy today. It just didn't seem like it was working.

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, was unbearably bad at sticking to plans.

**Sirius**

The girl looked like she held the weight of the world on her shoulders, like a porcelain doll, push her over the edge and she might just shatter. I was pleasantly surprised when she had kissed me on the cheek; she seemed to be doing that a lot these days; these days being four days, but who was counting? Probably just me.

She seemed to be roaming around my head a lot as well, _these days_, and my days happened to revolve around her, Sian talked to Lily, she said hi to Remus, she enlarged a sweet for Dorcas, looked very interested in a piece of parchment she had in Charms. I seemed to be noticing almost everything she did, and I knew this wasn't good for me. I didn't want to have her on my mind all the time, it was just something that happened without me actually having a say in it, which peeved me off, seeing as it was my mind and everything.

I had walked to breakfast on my own this morning, winking at the girls I knew as I walked past many of them who just happened to be at the bottom of my dormitory staircase, without bothering to wait for James. I had gotten up earlier that morning, possibly half 3, I usually still counted this as night, unable to sleep, I had wandered downstairs, and spotted Sian, asleep against an armchair.

The sight of her had surprised me, what got me even more surprised was how peaceful she looked when she slept. No worries, it seemed. Nothing bothering her. Not how she looked when she was awake, sadness etched into her eyes, that longing look she got when she looked at James, or once again, it was probably only me who noticed this. And I never voiced these thoughts, in fear of coming across as a total idiot to Sian or to one of my friends, who probably believed that sensitivity didn't lie within me unless extremely provoked.

But Sian _was_ provoking me, making the much more sensitive side in me come out, I was effortlessly charming around her, and her words entranced me, even though I had only ever had a proper conversation with her once or twice.

Seeing Sian lie there, me being fully aware that she _was_ probably warm, lying next to a fire place and all, I had taken my wand out and levitated her to the couch next to the armchair, summoning one of the quilts from a closet in the common room, and softly wrapped it around her, making sure to be quiet, in case she woke up obviously.

What made me do such things? Things that James was likely to do for Lily, things that I normally called 'poof-like' in present company.

I wasn't normally like that. 'Macho' is what I did, I talked about Quidditch and pranks and food, and made rude comments about girls. That is what guys did. This is the way it was supposed to be. Not me thinking about one girl all the time, someone who was beyond reach, thinking about ways to impress her, or to get her attention, or to let her just talk to me for one moment. 

I seemed to have no hold over my actions, my feet moved on their own accord, as they had done this morning at breakfast, automatically escorted me right next to where Sian sat. I suppose this wasn't a problem though, she was my friend after all. Although, a month ago, I would have never called her this. She had always been _James's_ friend. Just someone I stuck with because she happened to be there too. Seeing as I practically lived next door to her.

But even with that going on, her beauty had always captured me in, I always found that if I left my mind astray, my thoughts would lead to her, somehow someway. Maybe because I had seen someone sit next to her, and then I'd stare at her, taking in every detail of what she did.

I was pathetic.

And extremely glad that no one could look into my head.

She had been sitting next to Lily. And she was talking to her, not even looking as troubled as she usually did around the red haired girl. This surprised me.

'A new partner in crime' I had said, being my usual charming self. Lily had nevertheless been nice to me, her kindness impressed me at times, she made an effort to be nice to us for James's sake, maybe she was better for him than Sian was.

And then something had changed, suddenly it felt like Sian was uncomfortable once more, and as soon as the rest of the crowd was there, she had left. Maybe I had said something, or maybe Lily had, or maybe it was just the sight of James that made her want to go to the loos and cry. If that's what she had gone to do.

I didn't know how girl's minds worked; it was way too confusing to only think about.

Whatever it was though, I was determined to find out. I would get Sian alone later that day, and have that 'chat' we said we'd have. 

I sat there on the table, completely at ease, as I always was prone to be around my friends, eating another helping of breakfast. 

The usual Marauder banter started, as it did most mornings.

'Found your socks James?' I asked with a smirk.

James scowled at me, knowing that I knew full well he hadn't found his lucky socks. The story behind the lucky socks amused me still; James could make me laugh without even trying.

I thought back to how obsessive he had been about Lily, how he still was, I had never exactly been surprised he fell for her, she was beautiful and there was no denying that, smart, unbearably kind at times. I had just never been able to grasp how James could be so obsessed with her, most of our conversations involved her, how she had smiled at him (she would actually be smiling at Remus who was behind James) or how she had said hello to him and other random things like that.

Remus had always stayed away from girls, sticking to a strictly friend's only basis, in fear that they would find out about his condition and leave him heart broken, or that he would harm them in some way. No matter how much the rest of us insisted that though girls mind's worked in strange ways, they weren't unreasonable and cruel and someone who truly loved him would accept him the way he was, he protested constantly, telling us it was his decision to make and often hexing Peter for trying to set him up with Ravenclaw girls who would be more than willing to have the opportunity to go out with a Marauder.

We reached Potions laughing and joking, I cringed at the sight of the dungeons, knowing that outside was one of the last sunny days we would get before winter or whatever weather that brought a lot of rain would come. I decided against sitting next to Peter which was my usual seat, as I noticed Sian sitting on her own, I looked around to see if I could find Dorcas, though it didn't seem she was in the room, I went over and slipped into a place next to her. She turned around looking surprised.

'Hey Sirius,' she said with one eyebrow raised, this was the first time I had see her done so and my usual smirk appeared, 'Not sitting with your bum chums?'

I let out a laugh, 'Bum chums,' I repeated, 'I was under the impression you were friends with them too.'

An utmost interesting expression entered her face as if she wanted to say something, but this abruptly changed and she nodded instead. I decided not to take notice of this and instead I said, 'I decided to honour you with my presence today, feel privileged love.'

She rolled her eyes, but I could see the hint of a smile tugging at her lips, I smirked at this once again, I knew this would be an interesting lesson.

'I'm honoured my liege,' she said tonelessly.

'You should be,' I said, I kicked my bag under the table making myself more comfortable, 'Where's Dorcas?'

'Ill, she has the flu,' Sian sighed, 'In the hospital wing,' she added, Sian genuinely looked upset about this, possible because of the fact that she would have to endure the rest of the day on her own. I wasn't going to let that happen, this was the perfect opportunity to spend time with her without making it look suspicious; although I found I would do the same whether Dorcas was here or not. I craved Sian's company way too much.

'You need a break from that girl anyway,' I said, 'You spend way too much time with her.'

'She's my best mate you idiot,' Sian said with a glare, 'I like spending time with her.'

I blew my hair out of my face lazily, pretending not to pay attention, it was just so much fun getting Sian annoyed, 'Of course,' I said mockingly.

'Oh shut up,' she said, with another glare.

'What did I say? I simply agreed with you, forgive me if that counts as a crime in that screwed up head of yours.'

'You were being sarcastic!'

'_Really_?'

'Yes.'

'_No_. I was being sarcastic then. I'm sorry Sian love, I don't think you know what the word means, although I'd be more than happy to explain it to you if given the chance.'

'Whatever.'

'Nice comeback, however did you come up with that?'

Silence. She looked at me in disgust and refused to answer, it amazed me how easily I could get on someone's nerves. 

'Was I doing the nice guy to jerk thing again?' I asked with a grin.

'Except you weren't a nice guy to start off with,' she answered, looking thoroughly annoyed.

I laughed, 'Oh come on Masterson, I'm only playing with you, you know that,' I said lightly.

She sighed looking defeated, 'You're just so bloody confusing, I can never know whether you're serious or not,' she said.

Taking no notice of the pun just waiting to be said, I laughed, 'You'll get used to it,' I said. 'I'm still holding you to that deal we made. About time we started working on it.'

'The only work we need to be doing right now is Potions,' she said glancing up at Slughorn who seemed to have finally entered our class. 

I shrugged, 'I'm in no hurry,' I said.

Inside I was frantically wishing Potions would be over already. And it hadn't even started yet.

'My head is not screwed up!'

All was right with the world.

**Sian**

I don't remember being in a class without Dorcas; I suppose I must have a couple of times but not left any significant imprint on my memory. However this day was definitely turning out to be memorable, I was treating Sirius as I would treat a friend of mine, which surprisingly Sirius had become. And I found that I quite liked the change in company, however much I ached for Dorcas to be there so I could keep her up to date with what went on in this screwed up head of mine.

He was utterly charming, sophisticated and mature, yet at the same time immature, laid back and extremely hard to figure out.

My very own oxymoron.

I sat with the Marauders at lunch, after I had visited Dorcas at break and putting a 'get well soon' card beside her (she was asleep). I wasn't one of the Marauders, which made it awkward, yet Lily was there, also an outsider, so I sat next to her, joining in with the banter, occasionally rolling my eyes at what they'd say, exchanging smirks with Lily, or smiling at the private looks that Sirius seemed to send me.

It felt good to be relaxed and carefree for a while, not having to be serious and just talk about random things. The uncomfortable experience I had had with Lily seemed forgotten, I certainly didn't feel like dwelling on anything, and it was nice to be able to laugh at something James had said, everyone else was. I had forgotten how much fun it was to hang out with him, even though there were others around, _he_ was still there, and that just made everything better.

After lunch all of us had free periods, which weren't exactly free, as the teachers had already loaded us with homework, so the time would be spent working. At least, this was what I had planned.

Sirius, however, had different ideas.

'Masterson! That essay isn't due in till next Monday!' he said looking at me pleadingly, I couldn't help but smile at him, although I definitely didn't want to listen to him. Without waiting for my response, he was dragging me by my elbow, a determined expression on his face, sighing with defeat; I let him do so, and ended up having my arm linked with his.

'So what are we doing exactly?' I asked him, with an eyebrow raised.

He looked at me patronisingly, a demeaning aura being sent from him, and then he sighed, 'I honestly don't know,' he said, his lip twitching, 'Erm, want to go sit outside?'

I looked around, seeing from a nearby window that it was unbelievably nice outside, probably one of the last sunny days we would have. I smiled pleasantly, 'Absolutely,' I said.

Five minutes later, I was sitting on the grounds, my back leant against a tree, next to Sirius, the grounds was tremendously full, excitement and animated chatter all around, no doubt people were enjoying the day, at least those who didn't have lessons.

'Better than Potions essay, right?' Sirius asked me. I couldn't respond straight away, I was too taken in by his gleaming playful grey eyes, why had I never noticed them before? The intensity of them? I nodded finally, turning away from him. 

'You were talking to Lily,' said Sirius, this wasn't a question; he said it as if it was an observation. And I hated the tone of his voice, as if he was trying to imply something, though I wasn't sure what.

'Your point is?' I said.

'There was none Masterson, you too quickly jump to conclusions, always been one of your weaknesses,' said Sirius, his voice stated that he was suddenly bored of me, that he'd rather have a dancing contest with the Giant Squid.

'I didn't jump to any conclusions!' I protested, this was perfectly true, I hadn't, yet he once again managed to turn something into my fault, no longer enjoying his company I glared at him, turning towards him, 'Always been one of my weaknesses? What the hell are you talking about? You know nothing about my weaknesses.'

Sirius smirked, 'Oh but I do, I perfectly understand how vulnerable you felt today, your weakness is not having anyone, you are entirely dependant on other people. Which is why I volunteered to keep you company, so that you wouldn't do anything stupid whilst on your own. Your weakness is that you assume too much, jump to too many conclusions, I made a mere statement and yet you were as defensive as an innocent woman just having been accused of murdering the Minister of Magic,' he said, effortlessly, possibly not even having to think about an answer, so easily having a comeback. At times I started believing that he planned out a script of each day, of what he would say and such, not being able to accept the fact that someone could be so easily witty and intelligent all the time.

'Everybody has weaknesses Black, what's superficial is that you pick on others and not on your own, what about this constant need that you have to be adored at all times? Doesn't that count as a weakness? You always have this mask around people, like you're trying to hide something, so you without any hesitation turn into Sirius Black, well known Marauder! Always funny, witty, charming! Yet when you get to see inside a little bit of him, you realise that maybe Sirius isn't all that, what he really is, is a judgemental prick, too unaware or possibly secure of how he himself behaves, but never reluctant to perhaps bloody psycho analyse other people! Picking at their so-called weaknesses, trying to act like he knows everything about them!' I shouted, having reached a limit with Sirius, I was sick of him acting like he knew every bloody thing about me, but even more sick that he _did_ seem to know things about me, but who was he to be so observational? 

With my speech over, I got up frustrated, sure that I had gone red, tears threatening to spill as they always did when I got angry. I turned to walk off furiously, stamping each foot in the direction of the castle.

Sirius's hand wrapped around my wrist as he brought me close to him, I, not being able to compare to his strength got pulled right into his arms, no romance intended. 

'What?' I hissed angrily. I hated the way I got around him, all frustrated and as if he knew every single thing about me.

Sirius smirked, and I felt like slapping that smirk off his face, 'You finally showed some emotion in something that didn't include James,' he said, still wearing the smirk.

'Agh! What the hell is that supposed to mean?' I asked. 

'You know perfectly well what that means, the only times I've ever seen you be upset is something which usually involves our very own James Potter,' Sirius said, talking in a superior tone once again.

'I'm not some ditzy blonde Black,' I said, struggling to get out of the tight hold he had me in, also wondering why no one had started staring yet.

'I agree Masterson, you're not _blonde_,' he sneered, my eyes widened as I realised what he had said.

'Let go of me!' I shrieked, 'How dare you?' I glared at him, not remembering when I had been this angry, but I was sure it involved Sirius in some way. 'How dare you imply that _I'm_ shallow? Says King of all things shallow himself. You'd want me to be some ditzy blonde wouldn't you? Just another girl on the list of how many of the Hogwarts population you've _fucked_,' I spat.

This time anger and hurt flickered in his eyes, and he looked at me almost disappointedly, this abruptly changed and his eyes were cold and expressionless, not how I knew them. He let go of me, but I didn't move. I stood still, my chest heaving, tears spilling down my face, regret filling in me as the words that I had said hit him, worse than slap across the face. But it wasn't enough, I wanted to hurt him, I hated him that moment in time.

'Did it hurt Black?' I asked, looking up at him, 'Did something finally hurt you? Showed that you actually have a heart? You pretend to be so different from your whole family. The Blacks. But that's what you are inside aren't you? You like hurting other people don't you? Gives you a sense of personal glory does it?'

'_Shut up_,' Sirius hissed, and I cowered, never had I seen him this angry before, it scared me, 'don't go around opening that mouth of yours; thinking you can say whatever you like. You know _nothing_.'

I opened my mouth, my retort ready, but remorse had taken over me, I felt so _horrible_ and scared at the way I had gotten Sirius to react. Never in the six years I had known him had I seen him this angry, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had hit me with an Unforgivable then and there. But this reaction was worse, I wanted him to shout and scream at me, to do anything other than look at me with that much hatred.

I had never been so disgusted with myself, and yet I couldn't find the right words, my Gryffindor pride was kicking in, I couldn't find it in myself to apologise for saying that to him. I didn't know him well, but I knew how much he hated the Blacks, and I had gone and rubbed it in his bare face, telling him that he was exactly like them.

I didn't know how long we stood there staring at each other, or who had walked away first, or when it had gotten dark. I just remember looking around and finding a girl with fiery red hair putting an arm around me, her consoling eyes, I didn't care that I hated this girl, that she had taken away the one thing that I would have given my life up for, I ignored all that and placed my head on her shoulders, this time no tears, just terrible guilt.

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, was a horrible human being. 

On the bright side, though I could see none, I had kept one of my promises, I was sure I had just made friends with Lily Evans.

Yipee.

**A/N: Whoa, that took long to write. I enjoyed writing it though; this is my first story that has this much angst in it. I think.**

**I hope you enjoyed it! I have to say, I was rather disappointed, I only got 9 reviews last chapter and I have more than 20 people on alert. If you're an author you know how much reviews mean, so, please review?**

**Thank you. And sorry for the long wait, I hope it was worth it?**

**For readers of 'Somebody Save Her' – it is currently on hiatus, **_**not**_** abandoned, I just want to work on this story for a while.**


	5. Chapter 4: Something I Never Had

**Chapter 4**

**Something I Never Had**

_You don't hear me and I don't understand  
When I reach out I don't find your hand  
Were they wasted words and did they mean a thing?  
And all our precious time but I still feel so in between  
Some day I just keep pretending  
That you'll stay, dreaming of a different ending  
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad  
And I can't keep something that I never had  
I keep telling myself things can turn around with time  
And if I wait it out, you could always change your mind  
Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end  
Can I close my eyes have you lying here again  
Then I come back down  
Then I fade back in  
Then I realize its just what might have been.  
Am I a shadow on your wall  
Am I anything at all  
Anything to you  
Am I a secret that you keep  
Do you dream me while your sleeping after all  
Some day I just keep pretending  
That you'll stay dreaming of a different ending  
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad  
And I can't keep something that I never had  
That I never had  
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad  
And I can't keep something that I never had  
You don't see me, you don't feel me like I feel you_

'_**Something I Never Had' By Lindsay Lohan.**_

**Sirius**

I kept grudges. This was a fact, if someone irritated me once, I wouldn't forget about it and I usually did get revenge. What was I supposed to do with this though?

Sian Masterson.

I took the liberty to make friends with her, having been infatuated by her previously, but my mouth got carried away, as expected. This time however, I was not alone in the process.

_You pretend to be so different from your whole family. The Blacks. But that's what you are inside aren't you? You like hurting other people don't you? Gives you a sense of personal glory does it?_

I am not like my family. For the past seven years, I have tried with all my might so that no one ever gets the chance to ever accuse me of being the same as the Blacks. And there was Masterson, who had said it to me as casually as if stating the change in weather.

**I am not like my family.**

I go against everything they believe in. I hang around with blood traitors and muggle-borns, I was placed in _Gryffindor_, I ran away from home when I was 15, I'm not following in their 'noble' footsteps, and am basically a '_disgrace to the household of Blacks!' _which were the words of my dear _dear_ mother.

What was I supposed to do? How was I expected to react to Sian when she had just accused me of being like the people I had tried years not to be?

I had a right to be angry, didn't I? Of course I did. This girl knew barely anything about me; she had no right to say that to me. No she didn't.

But I had messed up big time, she practically cowered when I glared at her, and I've never had a reaction like that before. I was angry though, no, angry was an understatement, I was furious.

But I didn't want to be angry at Sian.

I walked back to my dormitory that night, my hands balled into tight fists; I remember the ominous feeling of wanting to punch somebody. Which was when I had passed Evans, who asked me what was up, this made me even angrier, because I realised I had made it pretty obvious something had happened.

'You might want to go to Sian,' I simply said, in monotone, determined not to show my anger to anyone besides Masterson.

I watched her raise an eyebrow at me, and then walk away; I'm sure, to look for Sian.

I practically hissed the password to the Fat Lady, who without a doubt, looked at me like I was possessed, it wasn't like me to be angry. I usually smirked and sneered most of the time, but I never showed my anger publicly. Before I walked into the common room, I took a deep breath and prepared to calm myself down; I didn't want curious Gryffindors asking me questions. I didn't feel like going over what had just happened, so I put a calm expression on my face, and charged up the stairs to my dorm without a glance at my three best mates sitting in the common room, probably wondering why for the first time in years, I hadn't decided to join them.

Before I knew it, it was morning, I woke early the next day, and I knew this because all around me I could hear the sounds of gentle snoring coming from my dorm-mates. I lay in bed for a bit, strategising how I was supposed to act around Sian, who now I sat next to in most of my classes, this being my own fault.

This was too hard. After about ten minutes of lying down in bed and not being able to think of any brilliant ideas, I decided to just merely pretend that she wasn't there. I half expected her to come apologise to me, but I had a bad feeling she wouldn't. Perhaps she thought she was the victim in the little discussion we had had, I _had_ provoked her, but still, it didn't give her a right to say those things to me.

We were both at fault. And I was sure, both completely unwilling to come apologise to the other.

But it would be worse if it had had no affect on Sian whatsoever, maybe she'd just ignore it, and maybe it didn't bother her. What was I to her anyway?

This made me just a bit depressed, which added to the anger factor, here I was worrying my arse off about this, and she was probably sound asleep, my name faded in her thoughts, because I was obviously not important enough.

Not as important as _James_, of course not.

I groaned at this jealous streak that I had going, what was wrong with me? Why was I suddenly resenting my best friend? And not because of any sane reason either, because Sian was in love with him, and he was so oblivious to it, it was downright laughable.

I've never had the total agony of being in love, as James had put it so gracefully for me a couple of years ago, when I had asked him what the fucking big deal was. Because this had been the absolute truth, I had no idea what this love business was, or why it was total agony, merely because I had never had the chance to experience it. That wasn't right; I had never given myself the opportunity to experience it. My girlfriends in the past meant nothing more than someone I'd use to pass a couple of weeks with, the excitement barely there, each kiss or touch just nothing more than an obligation, something to have fun with. Nothing more. There was Rebecca Summers, beautiful girl, but with an annoying trait of calling me 'Siri-Poo' and 'Sugarplum' in company. We lasted for a total of… 10 days. Then there was Camilla Johnson, who was exactly like Remus except she was a she. It would have lasted if I hadn't found her snogging Amos Diggory on one of my night strolls. It wasn't pretty.

I was the Gryffindor playboy with a dark alluring, mysterious side that attracted the best of girls to me. But that couldn't possibly be true, as Sian had never shown any attraction to me.

I thought back to when James had admitted he liked, really liked, Lily, it was back in fifth year, and although we'd always known that he had had a thing for her (the constant cries of 'Lily, my sweet flower' weren't obvious at all), this was him saying it, confessing, which we took as a big thing. I remember Peter going so far as to say we should have a ceremony for James, just like the Jewish did when their boys grew up, a 'bar mitten' he'd called it. Only to be interrupted by a very frustrated Lily Evans, who had rolled her eyes at him and explained that it was a bar mitzvah. She'd then gone back to her book, not before telling us off for talking in the library.

I laughed quietly to myself as I went over these thoughts, those were much happier times. When the name Sian hadn't permanently been etched into my mind. I sighed as I forced myself out of bed, knowing full well my friends weren't awake yet, I could still hear the snoring.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I admired my features, which was arrogant but nevertheless, I wondered why on earth I never managed to find the right girl with looks like mine…

I laughed softly at how undeniably prick-like that was for me to say, because I was sure that Sian looked in the mirror and wondered the same thing. There was no denying that she was a gorgeous girl, so why was it that she hadn't found someone for her yet?

Shaking these thoughts of my head, I walked into the shower carefully, letting the hot water drain my confused emotions out.

For the first time at breakfast, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know what would happen, and I didn't know how much things would have changed. I knew for sure that I wasn't going to speak to her, not until she came and grovelled and my feet, which again, was extremely arrogant of me. But that was just the only way for me to believe she was truly sorry.

I tried not to think about the other option, which would be that she'd forgotten all about the incident, or she'd just decide that she didn't care if I was mad at her. I was sure the anger showed as I thought this because I felt Remus raise his eyebrow at me, I smirked at him in return, and he just shook his head and went back to talking to James. I decided to forget about Sian for a while, and so I joined in with the mindless banter that usually came with us Marauders.

We took seats at the end of the table. I watched my best friends face as he waited impatiently for the love of his life to show, I loved Prongs, but the fact that he could be so clueless (which was surprising as with everything else, he wasn't) annoyed me to the very core.

His face was anticipated, I conversed with him, discussing new tactics he'd decided for the Quidditch team, but he was distracted. Every now and then, his enthusiasm would die as he looked to the doors of the Hall, trying to see if Lily had come in yet.

I didn't get how he could be so preoccupied with one measly girl, and then I smirked at myself, realising that I was going through the same thing. Except I didn't like Sian that way.

Right.

Lily finally came into the Great Hall, Emmeline and Rainer with her, I wondered where Sian was, and then remembered that she didn't usually come down with Lily and her friends, and James smiled with obvious delight, Lily smiled at him playfully and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. She sat next to him, and without a doubt, they looked perfect together.

Quidditch captain and Head Boy and the beautiful and highly intelligent Head Girl, both who shone individually, but together the ultimate couple, their light brighter then that of a meteor.

I watched the interaction between the couple; the subtle warmth that they carried between them, perhaps James had gotten over the extravagant revelations of his adoration for her. James had a protective arm around her shoulder as he waited for her to eat, conversing with Peter in the wait; a faint blush overcame her face as every now and again she'd glance up at him and smile.

I wished desperately that James would wake up one day and realise that the girl next door was so visibly in love with him; at least to my eyes it was so obviously visible. But it was times like these, when I'd see him with Lily, when I'd see the looks he'd only save for her, the elated gleam in his eyes as he'd realise after about every second, _he had finally won over the girl of his dreams._

I grinned at James as I thought over this, he looked at me strangely, probably wondering why I was grinning at him like an idiot, but there must have been something he understood in the way I smiled at him, because after a second he gave up and grinned back, and I suddenly greatly appreciated having a friend like James, and no matter how jealous I got of him, I was happy for him. He'd been chasing after this girl for three years, and now finally, he could hold her hand without being hexed.

I had watched from fourth year as James pulled her carrot-coloured plaits, jinxed her face so that it would sprout green spots to 'match her eyes', and laughed as he'd pelt water balloons at her with a flick of his wand. He had discomfited her completely in front of the student population and yet somehow, there had to be some hidden affection from Lily there, because despite of all that, here they were, likely to fall in love, and find a relationship others could only dream of getting.

My gaze turned away from the couple, and I caught the sight of perfection in the flesh, Sian had made her appearance, Dorcas by her side as they walked completely far away from where we sat. From the outside, she looked totally fine, but perhaps it was because I knew her well, or because I secretly hoped, she looked fully devastated. And then James noticed her, and so did Lily, and they beckoned her to come sit over with them, and Peter shifted over so that Sian and Dorcas could sit in between. Sian was now seated on the other side of James, and she softly greeted the others around him, politely ignoring me, not even glancing in my direction. Dorcas being the loud one, immediately fell into conversation with Remus, who looked more than happy to look away from the sickeningly sweet sight of James and Lily together.

Once again, to the eyes of others, Sian would have looked wholly at ease. Yet her legs were crossed tightly, and she lightly tapped her fingers next to her plate. I wanted her to look up at me, if not to apologise, but at least to glare in my direction, accuse me of being the jerk I knew I could be. But that didn't happen; she courteously ate, quietly talking to James as he asked her how she was. And as angry as I was with her, I couldn't take my eyes off her. I noticed every thing about her, every movement. She liked him so bad, the affection was so noticeably there for me, and I could see it. The way she secretly looked up at him when he turned away, when she thought no one else could see, the way her cheeks went oh-so-slightly pink if he accidentally brushed past her, the way she involuntarily started to twirl her hair around her fingers as he addressed her. The subtleties, told the whole story.

And I felt another pang of resentment towards James, Prongs, my brother.

And before I knew it, realisation hit me. The kind I didn't want to face. I liked Sian Masterson. I _liked_ her, and not the kind of like you held for just a friend. I _fancied_ her, and I loathed myself for it. Not because there was anything wrong with Sian, or because I felt I was too good for her, no, because she was so out of reach it was almost tear spilling.

Sirius liked Sian, who liked James, who liked Lily, who liked James back.

The sad little love triangle had turned into a sad little love square.

'You alright mate?'

'Fine. _Just dandy_.'

--

**Sian**

I didn't want to face anyone that day, I was sick of this place, the drama that came with it and how there was just one mistake after the other, nothing ever going right. Dorcas had dragged me to breakfast, first Lily had offered if I wanted to come down with her, and I had politely refused, explaining that my bed was far more appealing than the idea of food. My stomach had lurched over as I spotted where the Marauders sat, Lily and my other dorm mates sat with them. And then Sirius looked over, and I wondered if he could see my soul, the intense stormy grey eyes gazing at me, and I wasn't able to tell what he was feeling. He looked away, as did I.

We were noticed by James and Lily, and we were called over to sit with them, and there was no way to refuse, especially none as Dorcas had already decided to make her way over there, glad to not have to sit alone. Sometimes I felt bad about that, how just because I was hiding from everyone else; she'd feel like she had to as well.

'Sirius was staring at you like, all of breakfast,' Dorcas told me as we walked to Charms. I had determinedly tried to look everywhere but him, and he had openly stared at me?

I tell Dorcas everything, and so I had told her about my fight with Sirius. I regretted each harsh word I had said to him. Yes, he was a horrible jerk at times. But he didn't deserve it. He wasn't like any of the Blacks, he wasn't a muggle-born hater, and he was the first Black to ever be in _Gryffindor_. Perhaps there were some aspects to his personality that came across as rude, mean and sarcastic, but then there were times when he was just so lovely, you couldn't believe that this was Sirius you were talking to.

Over the few weeks, I had felt that I had been exposed to a different side of Sirius, the one that, nevertheless be playful and teasing, was sensitive and caring. I no longer saw him as the Gryffindor playboy. He hid behind that made up exterior of his, inside he was just like the rest of us, not as perfect as he came across as, but still a beautiful human being. And then there was me, who had ruined the chance of having any sort of relationship with him.

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, am personally responsible for screwing up my life.

I was probably born with some sort of glitch, which sustained me from being able to keep two good relationships with people my age at once. First, I had James, and during that time, I relied only on James. And then I met Dorcas, and then in school, I solely depended on her. And now, was it possible that I was incapable of it? Would I have to break friends with Dorcas to be able to hold on to Sirius?

I hoped to God, or whoever was out there, in charge of this matter, that this was not true.

Dorcas told me again and again, that I had nothing to feel insecure about, that I was a stunning girl with a personality that shone. Yet, here I was, the only close friend in my life being Dorcas, the love of my life in love with someone else, and then there was Sirius. Sirius. Who had started to mean so much to me; taken away, why? Because I had opened my mouth and said things that I didn't mean. Been pushed so over the edge, that nothing else mattered, just anything, any words, to let the anger out, to stop the frustration from torturously building up inside of me.

There had to be some sort of malfunction, some sort of bad thing about me that drove James away from me. Other wise it would be me beside him, and not Lily. _I_'d walk around with him, holding his hand, happy for once. I envied the girls who worried about their looks, because I was one teenager who was perfectly all right with the way I looked, instead I was much _much_ more bothered about my personality. There had to be something wrong with me.

What could be _so_ bad that my family didn't want to get to know me? That they refused to accept my existence?

So I was a mistake. So I wasn't planned. Did that really matter so much? So much that I resorted to talking to them once or twice a year?

Self-pity. That had to be it; I probably pitied myself too much, whined constantly, and complained continuously. No wonder no one wanted to be around me.

And here I was, still doing it. I couldn't help it. I dwelled on things. I was never one of those people who went with a 'Get over it' motto. No. I would be determined to get under it, find out why it happened, and try very hard to mould myself around that.

I discussed my options with myself. After years of depending on people there was one important lesson that I had learnt.

The only person you can depend on is yourself.

Dorcas meant the world to me, but she was probably sick of the big luggage of drama I dragged around with me. She was care free, laid back, and I wasn't any of those things. She'd tell me to chill out, but inside I'd be doing the exact opposite. James wasn't what he used to be, or at least he was, just with another person now. Gone were the midnight kissed we shared or the secrets we told each other, instead stood an awkward relationship, where the most we dared to ask each other was how our day had been. Perhaps each had realised that there was too much going on, too much that we had missed to go into all of that again. Our lives had become strangely separate, and neither of us bothered to go back into the dear relationship we once held.

I would apologise to Sirius, because I just wasn't ready to give him up just yet, no matter how much he annoyed me, and though there were times when I wish he'd just go to hell, he'd somehow managed to build a place in my heart, and I didn't want to lose him, not just yet.

I tried not to think about what would happen if he full on blanked me, I know I'd be crushed, because that would be the end of that, no more talks with Sirius, no more Sirius being there when I needed him.

No, I would think positive, he would forgive me for what I said, and then we'd go back to the way things were, and perhaps we'd start being nicer to each other.

Yeah.

And then there was Lily, who I had suddenly recognized as an amazingly nice person, and who I was beginning to appreciate more and more. After the fight with Sirius, she came to me, put her arms around me and just let me cry in peace, not asking why I was crying or what was up, not asking whether or not it had anything to do with Sirius. This was new to me, because Dorcas was different, and would insist on me explaining to her who had made me cry, so that she could go 'hex their arse off'. It was a nice change, not having to explain things.

I still couldn't find it in me to be normal around her, I was surprisingly awkward when she was around, and I'd probably be more comfortable talking to a sock. It was as if every part of me was fighting against the idea of me befriending her, after years of hating her, perhaps emotionally, I wasn't ready to go away from that. But I was in control of my own actions, and if I didn't do this, I would regret it. It wasn't about pleasing James anymore; I think I'd gotten over that stage. It had evolved into something much more, I was looking for myself, and along the way, I was facing challenges. I knew how hard it would be to make friends with someone I've forced myself to hate, but it was part of the journey I was beginning to take.

Somewhere along the way of getting over James, there was a part of me, who _was_ getting over James.

The feeling was still there, and I know that it would always be there, even if I thought that I was completely over him, there'd be this little thing for him always, he was my first love, and I'd lost all hope for him ever coming back to me. If he was ever with me in the first place.

It was like they said: You can't keep something that you never had.

Charms was uneventful, I sat right behind Sirius and James, and I felt more awkward then I ever had in a Charms class. I think James might have noticed the tension when he turned around to talk to me and Sirius stayed looking at the front, talking to Remus. Maybe it was just me who could notice the anger behind his eyes, which could be mistaken for sadness. Yeah right, what would he be _sad_ for? Because a desperate girl had called him some things? Bet he didn't even care.

And that was the worst thing.

'When are you going to talk to Sirius?' Dorcas asked me after Charms, as we made our way over to DADA.

'Well, judging by the way he was glaring daggers at me in Charms, and the way he just happened to ignore me in lesson definitely showed that we're going to have a picnic today and then sing feel-good songs,' I said to her, rolling my eyes.

Dorcas let out a short laugh, 'Okay fine cranky, I was only asking,' she said shaking her head.

I smiled at her apologetically, 'Sorry, it's just, all this stuff, it's got me down. I know I need to sort things out,' I said. 'I messed up big time.'

She looked at me sympathetically, I looked away, 'You know what scares me the most?' I choked. My gaze trained back to her, 'What if he tells me to go piss off?'

She took my hand, 'Hey,' she said, 'He's something to you isn't he? I didn't know you were this bothered. I mean, it's just Sirius, right?'

I pulled my hand away from her and came to a stop, I shook my head slowly, 'He's not _just Sirius_ anymore Dorcas,' I said. 'I don't know – what it is anymore. I just know, that if I don't make amends with him, I'll regret it. And – and, if it doesn't work, at least I can say I tried.'

Dorcas grinned at me and put an arm around me, 'I didn't even need to give you a pep talk this time,' she laughed, 'You did it yourself.'

'I did, didn't I?' I smiled.

I, Sian Amerie Masterson, now knew that the only person you could depend on was yourself.

And that was the way it worked.

--

**Sirius**

'Sirius?'

Reluctantly, I turned around to see the sweet vision of Sian stand before me. I tried not to show any emotion on my face, but it was obvious that it did, as she cowered a little, putting a hand on her forehead, her fingers playing with bits of hair that lay on her shoulder.

Unsure of what to do, I stood still, looking directly at her, impatient, eager to hear what she had to say. This was what I wanted, for her to look at me, to talk to me. Perhaps she did care, and there was tiny hope bubbling quietly at the pit of my stomach.

It was lunch, and almost everyone was inside the Great Hall eating. We stood outside the doors of our previous lesson, everyone else had gone on without us.

'Not coming Padfoot?' James had asked me, and I saw Sian staring at me, her eyes pleading, she mouthed the words 'Can we talk?' and I listened, I told James I'd catch up with them later, and stayed rooted to the spot.

And here I stood right now, nervous, probably sweating in places you couldn't see. Badly wanting to slap myself for reacting like this. This was just a girl, and on top of that, she'd insulted you in the worst way possible. But I ignored that, because no longer was Sian _just a girl_ along the lines of me teasing her, making fun of her, there was a part of me who had started to see the real side of her.

The witty comments, the soft laughter, the sarcasm, the way she tried to raise her eyebrow in imitation of me, how her lip quivered when she cried.

I had kept running and running on the trail that led to her, and now I couldn't find my way back.

'I just wanted to say,' she choked, turning her eyes away from me. 'That I'm really really sorry.'

And I didn't listen to anything else she said, the rest was a blur, because I had heard what I wanted. And it was so pathetic of me to be so ecstatic over her saying sorry for something that was her fault in the first place. But I couldn't help it.

My eyes travelled to her lips, and I was hit by the most tremendous urge to lean down and kiss them, but I resisted. This girl was out of bounds. Not because she was taken, but because she just didn't like me that way. I was even surprised she cared enough to come bother to talk to me ever again.

I held a finger to her lips, and she looked up at me surprised. I pulled it away and sighed, 'I shouldn't have provoked you,' I said hesitantly. I looked away from her, running a hand through my hair, 'I tend to – well – let's just say – it wasn't my place to say anything.'

She shook her head, 'What you said wasn't that – _mean_. I mean, it just sort of started from nowhere and then I just sort of blew up, you know?' she said. 'I shouldn't have said those things. Because I really didn't mean them. You're a really nice person – and I had no right to say that.'

There went all of my resistance, and before I knew it, I had enveloped her into a hug. It was the next best thing from a kiss, and it could come across as just a 'friendly hug' whereas there's no such thing as a 'friendly snog'.

She hugged me back, her head resting next to my neck, I inhaled the smell coming from her hair, feeling more and more pathetic by the second. She whispered 'I'm sorry' once again, and I mumbled the words 'Me too' into her hair.

She pulled away and gently shoved my shoulder, 'It's not healthy, you know Sirius?' she said lightly, 'I'm getting too attached to you.'

I grinned at her cheekily, my heart lifting as I heard these words, I put an arm around her as we started to walk, turning to look at her, 'I think I might just be okay with that,' I said.

It _was_ unhealthy. Sian meant it in a strictly 'friends only' sort of way, but me, I was getting attached to her. And there was nothing just friendly about it anymore. I was enormously attracted to her now, and there was no control over it. I would just have to ignore it. But doing things like putting an arm around her or hugging her didn't help the matter.

That, unfortunately, didn't stop me.

I wasn't exactly one for stopping something that was bad for me. I was Sirius Black, I loved taking risks.

And Sian was just another risk.

At least that is what I told myself. It kept me from realising what it actually was, or what effect it would have after, when I'd know I was in too deep.

I removed my arm from around her shoulders and we walked to the Great Hall in a good mood, before we reached the Gryffindor table, and Sian moved to sit next to Dorcas who sat with Emmeline, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, she kept her lips on my cheek, 'I might not let you go though,' she breathed, and with that she walked away to join Dorcas.

I stared after her, her words leaving me in a daze. I turned away to go sit with my friends, my eyes still on her.

She'd put a spell on me.

I felt a hand wave in front of me and I turned, 'Oi Pads, you there?' James asked with a concerned look.

I nodded as I dug into my quiche. I had no words to explain it.

_It_ being whatever that was happening to me. Something that I didn't want to happen.

After all the lessons were done, I wandered off to a detention that I had, waving goodbye to the guys, who cheerfully called 'good luck' back to me. McGonagall wasn't exactly a great person to land detention with. And after three hours of non-stop scrubbing, I walked back to my dorm, the common room nearly empty except for the scattered students finishing of homework.

My friends nowhere in sight, I walked up the stairs, coming to a halt outside the door as I heard my name in the conversation my friends were having.

'You think Sirius likes Sian?' someone was saying, by the sounds of it would probably be Remus.

'Yeah,' said the other voice, obviously James, 'I always thought he hated her, but now it's like, I always see them together.'

'They didn't seem too chummy at breakfast,' I heard Peter say. And I groaned inwardly, annoyed that someone had noticed.

'I know,' Remus's voice said, 'I wonder what was up.'

'Padfoot never talks about her though, remember?' Peter said. 'He always changes the subject when we bring her up.'

'He does?' I heard the confused voice of James say. 'He does not.'

Not wanting to hear any further, and determined to put an end to the discussion, I walked in, a grin on my face.

'Hello peasants,' I smirked, pretending I hadn't heard anything they'd said, 'McGonagall sends her regards.'

James laughed, 'She loves us really,' he said with a grin.

'Definitely,' I said as I collapsed on my bed. My friends were definitely good at making tension go away, no trace of their previous conversation remained.

'I'm calling it a night,' I said to them as I pulled off my robe.

And that would probably have to be, the most emotional day I had had in Hogwarts, involving a girl. I gulped as I feared that there were more to come.

Not in any mood to think about the subject further, I tightly shut my eyes, and let the exhaustion of the day take over me.

--

**Author's Note:**

**People, it's that time of year again. That's right. It is my birthday. Which makes me officially fifteen. :D I promised myself I'd post a chapter before my birthday, there was a bit of selfishness involved there, because I'd **_**love**_** some Birthday reviews! It can be my birthday present from you guys? grins eagerly **

**I know it's been almost more than a month since I last updated, which I apologise for, but High School's busy, so with keeping up with work and balancing a social life. I don't get too much time.**

**Although I was desperate to finish this chapter, so I spent the last week concentrating on this. It wasn't easy.**

**I think it's the shortest chapter I've written yet... I'm not sure. But I just wanted to clear up what the character's feelings were etc. **

**I usually would never resort to referring to a **_**Lindsay Lohan**_** song, but the song fit in so perfectly. It would just be plain rude if I didn't.**

**And I'm sure you already foresaw Sirius falling for Sian, but it was a pretty hard chapter to write nevertheless, and quite exciting for me. I wasn't sure whether I wanted it to happen this early, but it just sort of fit in, so I'm going to go with it. Also, people were saying that they didn't see much of 'Lily&James' so I decided to show what it looked like from Sirius's point of view.**

**And for readers saying they want to see different points of view, I just wont do it. Not yet anyway. I told myself I would stick to just writing in Sian and Sirius's view points, and that's what I plan on doing.**

**I will also be posting my ideal character images on my profile, I had done before, but they weren't exactly right. So I'll get to that as soon as I'm free.**

**At the moment, I have no idea what I'm going to put in chapter five. It'll be a long time till I post that up, but for now read and review this chapter?**

_Can I have it? Just for like a day or so? ...(Waits for response)...(Has an epiphany) I didn't tell you what I want did I? Well can I have your talent? Please? Because you totally have way to much of it. That's what keeps me coming back for more. But you know since you have all this talent could you help me out with one of my own stories because I am stuck. Well I have writer's over flow, meaning I have so many ideas but I can't seem to put them out onto paper. Well I can't put them onto a blank Word Document. So what do you say oh talented one. Please. For me? (Bats eyelashes with Puppy dog eyes and a poked out lip). Oh yea keep up the great work on the story I can't wait for the next chappie. –__** review by **_**mrs.cenalovesmalfoy. Thank you so much! Hehe.**

**I highly appreciate all reviews, and thanks a million to all the people who review! You make writing this so much more worth it! **

**Happy Birthday to me?**


	6. Chapter 5: Straitjacket Feeling

**Chapter 5**

**Straitjacket Feeling**

_Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. I've learnt that life is like an hourglass. Sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom. All you have to do is be patient and wait for someone to turn it back around. – Davis H._

**-**

_Yesterday was hell  
But today I'm fine without you  
Runaway this time without you  
And all I ever thought you'd be  
That face is tearing holes in me again  
but today I'm fine without you  
Runaway this time without you  
And all the things you put me through  
I'm holding on by letting go of you_

'_**Straitjacket feeling' The All American Rejects.**_

**Sian**

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. Life goes on. It won't wait for you, it won't stop for you, it'll just go by, and the only thing you can do is adapt to it, catch up with it and hope you can find a way to _live_ your life again.

Compared to many, my problems seemed minor, so I was a teenager in love with a guy who didn't feel the same way. My family had never truly acknowledged the fact that I was their own blood, and it had come to the point where they weren't my _family_ anymore. Big deal. Right?

Wrong. Because _I_ was going through it, and for me it was the most traumatic experience anyone could ever go through. It didn't feel minor to me, because it was _my_ life. But then I had also come to recognize the fact that I would have to deal with it, it had gone past the point where changing James's feeling were in my hands, I couldn't change anything, so why mourn over the past, and why not concentrate on the present?

These were Sirius's words. Sometimes I felt like the only person who ever understood me was him. And he was the last person I would have gone to for comfort even a month ago, and now, I couldn't imagine life without him. I guess it was just one of those things humans did, we adapted to change and worked our way around it. I just didn't know how to do it until now.

You know the expression, a broken heart? Years ago, it would have seemed so melodramatic to say, something you'd only hear in the movies. Yet, that's what I had felt like. I'd loved James for as long as I could remember, and to see him with Lily, it felt like someone had twisted my heart inside my chest and ripped it out, trust me, it hurt like hell. It was a devastating feeling, a feeling I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy. And in the process your heart, it belongs to someone else, it can't function without them.

And then, you open your eyes, look around you and realise you're not entirely alone, and a friend comes along, and he holds your hand and he comforts you, and you suddenly don't feel as shattered, you find reason to live, and you want to live.

I had never understood why Sirius came after me on the train that day, why he hugged me tight and told me it would all be okay, I just knew that I was eternally grateful to him.

So now, for once in all of my school life, the year was going fast, and for the first time, I didn't want it to. It was already November, and I was enjoying school, it was my last year, and suddenly I wasn't so keen on leaving, something I wished would happen insistently for the past two years. I'd always imagined that it would be wonderful to leave school, but that was before I'd ever been friends with Sirius, school was a lot different, a lot _fun_ when you were friends with a guy like him.

It was hard to believe I had spent six years at Hogwarts, and how amazingly time had sped past. I knew it was a bit early in the year to be thinking about leaving, but every time I'd walk into my dorm, I couldn't help but think, this is the last year I'm sleeping here. I had no _clue_ what I was doing after school, and there was no way in hell that I was staying at my parents. I shuddered just at the thought of it, and played a mental clip of Dorcas and me moving in together at a luxurious apartment in Spain.

Things would be so different, and I wasn't sure I'd like it anymore.

I'd gotten used to all of this. Waking up, knowing that the there was something planned ahead without me having to do anything with it. After this year, that would change.

Independence.

Was I supposed to be happy about that? I wasn't sure yet.

-

I sat with my head leant against his shoulder, a Transfiguration book in my hand, a blanket draped across our laps. We were attempting to have a go at 'this studying thing', as Sirius had said.

'Sian,' he said quietly, my name sounding so much better coming from his lips, I looked towards him, a smile on my face, I seemed to be doing a lot of those lately.

'What do you want most in life?' he asked me, his eyebrows furrowed in thought as he looked at me. I don't think anyone could say that they knew Sirius Black, for I thought I did and yet he still continued to surprise me with how different he could be.

I thought about his question, bringing my feet up on the couch and wrapping them under the blanket, I kicked my boots off and snuggled my bare feet against his calf, he winced with the cold and nudged me slightly. I smiled at him apologetically, not moving my feet away.

'I want to be happy,' I said finally.

He raised his eyebrows in acknowledgment and came in towards me, I sighed appreciatively, enjoying his warmth, 'That's a good answer,' he said, 'I would have gone with something more specific.'

'Is that right?' I asked, feigning to look surprised, 'since when do you ask such deep questions, eh Sirius? Aren't you much more interested in what drink I had for dinner?'

Sirius clutched his heart with his left hand in mock hurt, 'I can be very deep when I want to,' he said, his right eyebrow lifting up as he said this, I felt disturbed at myself that I noticed little things like that, a couple of days ago I had begun to count how many eyelashes he had until he interrupted me and asked me if I had had enough of his face, a line I was very used to know, but this was explainable, his face was pretty amazing.

I laughed, 'Well, if you were wondering, I had some pumpkin juice,' I said, he grinned at me, 'Thank you, for that valuable piece of information,' he said, rolling his eyes.

I threw my book on the floor with a shriek of frustration, 'I just wasn't meant to be good at Transfiguration,' I said matter-of-factly, folding my arms across my chest. 'I'm just supposed to do average in school, and then end up getting an average job, and live with my parents for the rest of my life.'

I reconsidered this and then shook my head, 'Actually,' I said, 'I'm surprised they haven't kicked me out yet. So I'll probably live in an average flat with my average job.'

Sirius nodded along, I hit him playfully, 'Some friend,' I scoffed, 'Aren't you supposed to come out with some pep talk on how you'll help me with Transfiguration and then you'll lend me some money for a fabulous apartment?'

He shook his head with a grin, 'Why give you false hope?' he said, he grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch, our blanket falling to the ground.

I giggled loudly, 'Let's do something wild!' I sang, his hand still clutching mine.

Sirius laughed at me, 'You're crazy,' he said, but he twirled me around, and I tilt my head back and went along with it. He took hold of me from the waist and lifted me up; I raised my arms in the air as he swung me around.

'I'm being serious,' I said as he put me down, I carried on before he would get a chance to come out with the overused pun, 'Let's – skip lessons today!'

'It's one in the morning Masterson,' he said with his eyebrows raised, 'There's no lessons at the moment.'

'Well, lets do something right now,' I said, and he pulled me right up to his face, I could feel his breath on mine, his eyes, scanning my soul like they always did, and suddenly, my breath stopped right there, and I was looking back at him. Unfamiliar feelings - no, feelings very familiar, just not familiar towards _Sirius_ -were rushing towards me, they hit me hard and I felt like I had been winded. I couldn't seem to turn my eyes away from him, the intensity of them so strong, I felt like this was the first time I had actually seen them.

We stood frozen, I suppose we both were surprised by what position we were in, yet I guessed we were both unwilling to move away. Moments passed, and then, Sirius lowered his face towards mine, I tensed, yet did nothing but stare at him, my heart beating wildly. I found my face moving towards his, my lips inches from him, I could almost touch them –

'I think we're interrupting something,' interrupted a voice behind us, and with a jerk, Sirius let go of my waist and we jumped apart. There stood James, his face twisted in shock as his eyes wavered from me to Sirius. Lily was standing next to him, several boxes clutched tightly in her hands, threatening to fall; Remus and Peter were behind them, looking surprised.

I blushed crimson, refusing to meet anyone's eyes, I turned around and bent down to pick up my Transfiguration book, 'It's getting late,' I murmured as I picked the blanket and my boots up, I glanced up, slightly breathless, 'I'm going to get to bed,' I said, and with that, I walked away bare foot from the stunned audience and Sirius, who muttered 'G'night'.

I practically ran to my dormitory, carefully shutting the door behind me as quietly as possible, I banged my head against it gently and slid down.

Holy _shit_.

What just almost happened?

-

**Sirius**

I wanted to throw things, use Unforgivable curses, and set the common room on fire. I had been so close, _so fucking close_ to kissing her, to feel her lips on mine, something I'd been daydreaming about for _weeks_ and now, for Merlin's sake! This wasn't bloody fair!

'I'm er, gonna go to bed James,' Lily said to James, 'Goodnight you guys,' she said, looking at the rest of us, she gave James a peck on the cheek before she walked off, leaving one of the boxes (cookies?) on the table.  
I sighed, rubbing my eyes, 'Thanks so very much you lot,' I said, frustration seeping through my voice, '_I think we're interrupting something_,' I mimicked, a bad impression of Wormtail's voice. 'You bloody well were. Thanks a lot.'

'So you do like Sian?' Remus asked, his face smug, he turned around and grinned at Peter, 'You owe me five galleons.'

I fell on the couch with a sigh, 'Yes I fucking like her. It's torture,' I said, I looked up and saw James's face.

He looked completely in shock. I looked at him wonderingly, 'You alright mate?' I asked, 'You look like you've – just seen me and Sian almost kiss, ah, I can understand your face now,' I said, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

He shook his head and his face broke out into a lopsided grin, 'So you _do_ like her?' he asked, 'I mean, Moony said it, but haven't you always, well – _not_ liked Sian?'

I put my head in my hands, rather dramatically I might add, and then looked up after a minute, 'I don't know, I guess I just never got to know her,' I said with a shrug, knowing full well I couldn't exactly tell him I'd resented her for being in love with _him_, especially since he knew nothing about it.

'I've actually never had a conversation with her,' Remus put in thoughtfully, he snapped his fingers, 'Oh yeah, there was the time when I asked her if she'd done her Transfiguration homework, and she told me it was lying in the fireplace,' he chuckled softly.

I nodded with a grin, 'She hates Transfiguration,' I said, feeling smug that I knew something about her.

'It's like the easiest one out of the lot,' Peter said rolling his eyes, 'Potions,' he said with haste, pointing his finger at me, 'Now that's a shit subject.'

James sighed, 'Are you lot _completely_ missing the main thing here?' he demanded, 'This is _Sian_, as in my best mate Sian, like my _sister_ Sian, my next door neighbour Sian. How long has this been going on? I mean, I never even thought she was interested in going out with anyone.'

'I know, same here,' said Peter, 'I always thought she liked you to be honest,' he added, looking at James.

Remus chucked a cookie at Peter's head, 'Time and place Wormtail,' he said shaking his head, 'Time and place.'

James looked at Peter wildly, 'What are you talking about? I told you guys, Sian and me are only friends.'

'Oh come on!' said Remus, 'you used to introduce her to people as your _fiancée_! You went out with her till like third year!'

I bent forward and picked a cookie from one of the boxes and chucked it at Remus, 'What happened to time and place, oh Smart-eth one?' I asked with my eyebrow raised.

He shrugged, brushing crumbs off his hair, 'You're wasting good cookies you know,' he said matter-of-factly.

'I wasn't really going out with her,' James said uncomfortably, 'I know we always said it, but we didn't mean it. Neither did she. I've asked her before.'

'Of course, if she ever had any feelings for you, and you just asked her straight out if she did, its not like she'd really admit it,' Peter said wisely, 'That'd just be embarrassing for her. Telling you she likes you when you were so obviously mad for _Evans_.'

'Wow Wormtail,' Remus said, nodding appreciatively, 'I never took you for an expert on women.'

Peter grinned, 'It's all in the _Witch Weekly_ baby,' he said, 'Did you know, 69 of women prefer personality over looks?'

I threw a cookie at him this time, 'Too bad you have neither,' I said with a smirk. I pretended to brush dust off my shoulder, 'I happen to be highly gifted in both those areas.'

'Once _again_,' James groaned, 'You are missing the main problem here!'

'Chill Prongsie,' said Remus, 'So Sirius likes Sian, what's the big deal?'

I nodded, glad that the subject had changed from 'Sian and James' onto 'Sian and Sirius', our names even sounded better together.

'I don't even know if she's interested in me,' I said truthfully, I had no clue, but I was going to save worrying about that for later. It's not like I had anything better planned for later at night, like I'd be able to sleep after all this.

'From where we stood,' James said, 'She looked as disappointed as you to be interrupted.'

'I thought she looked more shocked at the fact that she was about to kiss _Padfoot_ of all people, then anything else,' Peter said, smirking at me.

'Go crawl under a rock,' I shot back with ease, inside, I was sure Peter was right. Sian liked _James_; she had done for all these years, why would she suddenly want to kiss me?

'I'm sure she likes you back Pads,' Remus said reassuringly, 'What's not to like? Sure, you're an arrogant dickhead at times, and you have that annoying habit of raising you eyebrows whenever you speak, and sure, you make rude jokes at inappropriate times, and you had this phase where you shagged any girl with tits - '

'I get the point Moony!' I interrupted swiftly, 'Thanks very much. I didn't know I had that many good qualities.'

Remus laughed, 'I'm only messing with you mate,' he said.

'You forgot about his secret obsession with looking in the mirror all the time,' James said, 'Of course, it's not so much a secret when you carry a mirror around with you to every lesson and take it out in Transfiguration and tell McGonagall it's to _reflect UV rays onto your pale skin_.'

Peter roared with laughter, 'How do you even know what UV rays are?' he asked.

'He used to call it 'tanning light' before I told him it was ultraviolet radiation from the Sun,' Remus said, amusement glinting in his eyes.

'Jerks,' I muttered, but I couldn't help but laugh slightly, mates could definitely cheer you up. 'Tanning light is so much easier to say than all that UV crap, but I memorised it,' I said, feeling proud of myself.

And so we carried on sitting in the common room for a while, teasing James for being in love, teasing Peter about reading _Witch Weekly_ and then asking him where he hid them so we could get in on it too, telling Remus we'd buy him science books for his birthday with all the latest information on ultra violet radiation, and joking around with me saying they'd put love potion in her pumpkin juice so I wouldn't have to bother trying to 'woo' her.

It felt better now that the lot of them knew I fancied Sian, I let myself believe for an hour that she really did like me back, and that she did want to kiss me.

I'd worry about it when the time came, sleep was just too appealing after the erm, almost five minutes of 'trauma' with Sian I had.

-

**Sian**

I planned to make a quick detour to the Great Hall, grab some breakfast, and avoid my friends at all cost. Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid. Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid. Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid. Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid.

I chanted it under my breath as a mantra as I put my boots on hurriedly, hoping none of the girls from my dorm would wake up. Just my luck, at that moment, Dorcas came out of the bathroom, how had I not see her go in? How had I not noticed her bed being empty? This mantra certainly tore my concentration away from other stuff.

'Hey,' she said from behind me, poking my shoulder and walking towards her bed, starting to undress. 'How'd the studying go last night?'

I looked up in fright, 'Nothing happened! Geez, what's with the third degree?' I said feeling suddenly overwhelmed.

Dorcas gave me a strange look, 'I only asked how your studying went Sian,' she said, 'Are you okay? You look – rough. Get much sleep last night?'

Of course not! I almost ruined my friendship with Sirius. I'm supposed to love James yet suddenly the name Sirius is making fireworks inside my stomach. I feel utterly disappointed that I didn't get to kiss him last night and I _really_ want to slap Peter for interrupting last night. _'I think we're interrupting something.'_

He didn't _need_ to say that, watch with silence or just leave! I was freaking out, and I was sure Dorcas could see that on my face, I had done this enough times for her to realise when something was up. But I wasn't going to give in so easily this time, I took a deep breath, and looked at her calmly.

I shrugged, 'Bad dream,' I said, trying not to choke on my words; a bad dream would have been better compared to this. 'I'm just going to head down to get some breakfast, I have some work in the library, so I'm in a bit of a rush.'

'But weren't you up last night studying? So that you wouldn't have to go to the library to finish last minute?' Dorcas asked, her eyebrow raised at me, where was the justice? Even she could do that gesture perfectly.

'Of course I was studying last night! You're not suggesting I did something else are you?' I shrieked, staying calm was much harder than I had anticipated. I looked bewildered as I realised my voice had risen a couple pitches, I put my robe on grabbed my bag, 'Must dash dear, lots of work, hungry stomach, library. Bye!'

I closed the door behind me and rushed down the stairs.

Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid. Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid. Head down, go to Hall, get breakfast, avoid.

The avoid part wasn't going so well.

It's not very good to walk with your head down, for future reference, you might just bump into someone. I looked up in horror at the amused face of Remus.

'Hey Sian, in a hurry?' he asked kindly.

'Sorry, I wasn't looking,' I said hastily. Not sure if I should just walk off, would that be considered rude? Or should I just stand for a couple of minutes in awkward silence?

'Want to go down to the Great Hall with me? The others aren't up yet, they were playing with the snitch till like three am,' said Remus, rolling his eyes.

I didn't even take a moment to consider this, 'Sorry, cant, not very hungry,' I said, just on cue, my stomach grumbled. 'Must go to the library. Thanks for asking. Have a nice breakfast. Jam with croissant is simply delicious. Some cold orange juice would go down well with that. Well, must dash, bye Remus!'

I turned around and left, not giving him a chance to answer, I'd probably crept him out anyway, at the rate that I was conversing.

'Listen to your heart'. 'Go with your instinct'. 'Follow your heart'. What the hell did they mean?

Your heart didn't speak to you or lay a map out for you, it was a bloody muscle inside your chest, and what was this 'instinct' thing people went on about all the time? How are you supposed to know what your _instinct_ is? All I know is, I wanted to kiss Sirius last night, was that my instinct? My heart didn't suddenly gain a voice and start whispering 'kiss him' to me, yet kissing Sirius felt like the thing to do at the time.

I didn't understand myself one bit. I realised that I didn't even know myself. This whole roller coaster of emotions has never given me time to just be able to sit down and ask myself, hey, what's my favourite colour? I wasn't going to start moaning about that again.

Just, why did I want to kiss Sirius? I knew that he was an extremely good looking boy, girls were already jealous with the amount of time we spent with each other, he was funny, hilarious to be exact. I never got bored around him, and though we talked about more serious stuff, I could sort of forget about everything else going on with me, and just focus on the present. I knew he had many good qualities.

But we also bickered for hours, and we got into little arguments all the time. He was highly arrogant and so far up his arse I had to practically plunge him out of there at times, he also had a reputation of sleeping around.

That wasn't the problem. The problem was, did I like him? How does one know when they've moved on from boy to boy's best friend?

I had so many questions for myself, and only an hour to answer them before lessons started, where I'd have to face the Marauders, Dorcas and Lily. The library was fairly empty and I rushed to find a corner where I could sit and pretend to study. I dropped my bag on the table and collapsed onto a very squashy armchair, I patted it appreciatively.

In spite of me almost ruining my friendship with Sirius (a risk I was _not_ willing to take). I was positively giddy. For some unknown reason, on top of all the panicking and the anxiety and the feeling of puzzlement, I felt like I had accomplished something. Where in reality, all I had done was make Dorcas worry about me and give Remus a reason to think I was a complete lunatic. Cold orange juice? Did I not _think_ before I spoke?

I didn't fancy Sirius. Did I like him as a person? Yes. Did I think he was insanely gorgeous? Yes. Did I want to go out with him and completely ruin one of the few good friendships I have left? No.

It didn't matter anyway. Sandra Potter had always told me that she thought Sirius fancied me. And even then, I used to sigh and think that I didn't care, because it didn't matter how many guys thought I was worth seeing when the guy who I really wanted to go out with didn't see me that way. 'Like a sister'. Why did he go and give me that title? The joy of it all.

Thinking of Sandra reminded me of how much I missed her. She'd sent me a letter back a couple of weeks ago, along with a bag of fudge that I was told to share with Sirius, James and _his lovely new girlfriend._ I wondered what would happen after school would finish and I'd move out, would she still want me to come see her? Would I be invited around for Christmas, or would I just be remembered as the girl who used to live next door who had a crush on her son? Suddenly, tears were welling up in my eyes as I thought of this scenario: me sitting alone in a dodgy apartment drinking Firewhisky while The Potters have a little Christmas party where James's _lovely new girlfriend_ is being introduced to the family.

I wiped my tears furiously and looked around to check that no one was around, I breathed a sigh of relief. It would be horrible if someone walked in on me crying to myself. I didn't need anyone, I told myself quietly as I rummaged through my bag, looking for a drink. My stomach ached for food but I refused to go down to the Great Hall. I was lying to myself obviously, I wouldn't last a week on my own, and that scared me even more. Because I knew that when seventh year would be over, I'd be on my own, I'd hoped that I'd move somewhere with Dorcas. But I couldn't see that happening. Dorcas knew exactly what she wanted, after Hogwarts, she was going to train to be a Healer which would take three years, during that time, she planned to work part-time at her Uncle's café in London, she'd also applied for an internship during the summer at St.Mungo's.

Dorcas was extremely organised, and here I was, failing Transfiguration, worrying about whether I fancied Sirius Black, crying over the fact that I would spend Christmas alone, when I should be worrying about my future. Which included spending Christmas alone. Wow, I felt depressed.

When McGonagall has called us in for Career's advice in fifth year, I told her I was considering Healing, so I'd taken all the subjects to be a Healer, because Dorcas had. Did I want to work as a Healer? Three years of training. Then working for the rest of your life. It didn't appeal to me, although it had two years ago. Now, I was back to square one, with no clue with what I wanted to.

I took a large gulp of my leftover pumpkin juice and picked my bag up to leave. It was almost nine and lessons were about to start.

Back to life. Back to reality. Back to being embarrassed as hell.

Joy to the world; let's burn Transfiguration books!

-

**Sirius**

According to Remus, Sian had looked troubled and had been babbling on about jam and croissants. According to Dorcas, Sian had looked rough and had been complaining about a bad dream and third degrees, she'd then asked me what that was, and if I was aware if it was some muggle term for weather. According to Dean Connelly in second year, Sian was a mean brown-haired girl who had crashed into him and spilled pumpkin juice over his head.

I wanted to hit myself. I knew she was out of bounds, and yet I had leaned over and almost kissed her. This was only _almost_ and Sian was freaked out, so imagine what would have happened if we had actually kissed. Of course my version involves my hands trailing down her back… and stuff, but the realistic version would have her pull away hurriedly, slap me across the face and ask me why the hell my lips were on hers.

But I knew it wasn't just me who wanted to kiss. She'd leaned forward. She'd almost looked disappointed that we didn't get a chance to properly snog. A guy could dream.

I hated her for doing this to me. Being with me all the time but not really _being_ with me. Being stunning but not letting me caress her lips. Making me have to control myself all the time, so my mouth doesn't slip and say the wrong thing, or my eyes don't stare at her for too long because it'd get suspicious. It was insanely hard. And she was driving me crazy. Where was the justice?

I could get away with hugging her, or flirting with her, or kissing her cheek. But that was all. I hated having limits. I wanted to be able to grab her waist in front of everyone and kiss those rosy lips of hers. I wanted to be able to stop any pain from coming in her life, because I would protect her. I wanted to be able to say that she was _mine_ and no one else's.

She hadn't come to breakfast, so I crossed my fingers hoping she'd turn up in Transfiguration, which was highly likely. Maybe we'd pretend like nothing had happened. Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing and she was probably worrying about the fact that she was failing Transfiguration. Maybe she hadn't though about me at all and here I was, getting jittery and nervous over her. _Sirius Black._ Sex god extraordinaire, Gryffindor playboy. Gone were my titles, Sian Masterson haunted my dreams.

Merlin.

I sat talking to Dorcas, who was telling me a funny story, something to do with cookies. I couldn't help but snigger as I realised cookies were playing a significant part in my life. Dorcas looked delighted that I laughed at her story, so I let her think that.

McGonagall walked in, and we started going over some things we'd done the previous lesson. Just then, Sian walked in also, looking dishevelled with a bottle in her hand. She quickly took a seat at the back of the classroom.

Lily was sitting next to me, so I could deal with the fact that Sian hadn't come and sat next to me.

I barely listened to what was going on in the lesson, just some revision like always, so I reached down and took a parchment out of my bag. Dipping my quill in some ink, I scribbled silently, looking up every now and then to make sure McGonagall wouldn't catch me; this wasn't a problem as I was highly skilled in this area.

_Masterson enters looking more than rough, missed you at breakfast – Sirius._

I charmed the parchment with my wand quietly so that it would float to the back of the room, a neat trick I'd learnt from Remus, who was quite handy when it came to spells like these. People were right when they said he was the smart one.

Moments later I felt Peter tap my shoulder and I turned around, my eyes still facing the front, to take the parchment from his hands.

_**I wasn't hungry. Had to do Transfiguration work. – Sian**_

I sighed and shook my head; I pictured her sitting in the library staring into space with her books open, untouched.

_Excellent. Transfiguration just before Transfiguration. You're a wild one Masterson. – Sirius._

_**Har-di-har. Ever considered stand-up comedy as an occupation? You know I'm rubbish at the subject. I don't know how I ever passed the O.W.L. – Sian**_

_I have actually; they said I have to wait till I'm eighteen. Sirius Black, now coming to a pub near you. Get a tutor? – Sirius_

_**I might just have to if I want to pass Transfiguration this year. The joy of it all. – Sian**_

_Oh, I can just feel your negative vibes. I'll tutor you. I happen to be excellent in the subject. – Sirius_

_**Great, not sick of me yet? – Sian**_

_I'm getting there babe. Just kidding. – Sirius_

_**Once again, your comical skills are flying high. By the way, what is up with all the cookies? – Sian**_

_James and Lily have to raise money for some local Hogsmeade charity. Head duties. – Sirius_

_**Are they any good? They made much money yet? – Sian**_

_They taste great. And they've been eating them more than selling them. But Lily is letting us eat them as she says she knows how to magically expand their quantity. Brain box. – Sirius_

_**Ah, I agree. How come everyone else gets to be good at Transfiguration but me? – Sian**_

Right now it seemed like she was doing whatever she could to not bring up last night. I would bring it up somehow, though I doubted any good would come out of it.

_Everyone's got a subject they suck at. Except me, I'm good at everything. And possibly Lily. Plus, you were doing fine with it last night, you decided to give up. So that means you're not __bad__ at it, you just hate the subject. – Sirius._

_**Do you secretly use Legillimency or something? It's creepy. – Sian**_

So she chose to ignore my reference to last night, I mentally groaned with frustration as I copied down McGonagall's notes and then started to write back to Sian.

_I guess I just know you so well. – Sirius_

_**Yeah, funny how that works out. – Sian**_

_Was that another indication to my comedic brilliancy? – Sirius_

_**Afraid not. I just mean, last year the most I'd say to you was 'change the channel please' and now it's so… different. – Sian**_

_Like __last night__ different? – Sirius._

Screw being subtle. I was going to straight out ask her.

_**Ah, I was wondering when you'd bring that up. Not like you to be restrained. – Sian**_

_It was draining all of my energy trying not to talk to you about it. Is that why you never showed up at breakfast? – Sirius_

_**Again with the Legillimency? – Sian**_

_I'll take that as a yes. – Sirius_

_**Fine. It's just. I felt awkward… after what almost happened. It didn't help that your friends walked in on us too. – Sian**_

_James is __your__ friend too Sian. You don't think I felt awkward? – Sirius_

_**Yeah, but you're used to it. I didn't know how I'm supposed to react. Go about my day like nothing happened? – Sian**_

_No. 'Cause something did happen. – Sirius_

_**Exactly! I merely wanted to avoid confrontation for an hour or two, is that so bad? – Sian**_

_And you call yourself a Gryffindor. – Sirius_

_**I'm talking about it now. Though sometimes I do wonder if I would have been better off in Hufflepuff. I don't have an ounce of bravery inside me. – Sian**_

_It's nice to know you have such high self-esteem. But quit changing the subject. – Sirius_

_**Fine! What do you want me to say? We almost kissed and it was an accident and we got caught up in the moment. That's my version of it. What's yours? – Sian**_

My heart sank. And there I was hoping that there might be a small part of her that fancied me. No such luck unfortunately. I wasn't going to embarrass myself and tell her that I liked her. So I decided to stick to her version of last night.

_I like that version. So we can go back to the way we were before? – Sirius_

_**Arguments and whining from me included. Can we head to the kitchens after this? My tummy is wailing plus we have a free period. – Sian**_

_Okay, but that free period is for studying. – Sirius_

_**Hah! You almost got me there. – Sian**_

_And you say I'm not funny. – Sirius_

_**I apologise. You're a hoot. – Sian**_

'Mr.Black? I'm sorry, is my teaching interrupting your conversation?' Professor McGonagall asked before I had gotten a chance to write back to Sian.

I smiled at her cheekily, 'Not at all Minnie,' I said as students behind me laughed appreciatively; I waved the parchment in the air, rolled it into a ball and aimed for the bin. It got in, some Ravenclaw girls whistled and I heard James and Peter clap saying 'Brilliant shot' mockingly. I grinned.

'That's quite enough,' McGonagall said with authority, and an immediate hush fell over us.

Peter leaned over and I put my head back, 'Sian told me to call you a show off,' he whispered with a snigger.

I laughed quietly. It would all work out. I'd hide my feelings from her as long as necessary. But I wasn't just quite ready to give up on her.

Not just yet.

--

**Author's Note:**

**I'm worried I wont have many readers left due to the fact that I haven't updated since my birthday. I do apologise for this, I am terribly sorry. But it just wasn't my fault. I've had so many exams that any free time I have, I spend away from the computer. I just needed some time off, I plan to post another two chapters in the holidays, because after that, I doubt I'll be able to as it'll be my last year in school and I'll have GCSE's.**

**For anyone who did read my story, thank you. I loved writing this chapter, as it was much lighter than the other ones. Plus I love Sirius and Sian together. More Dorcas and Lily in future chapters, I promise.**

**If you're an author, you'll know how much reviews mean. I can't believe I have 91 reviews already. I'd give you all cookies if I could.**

**Do me a favour. Leave a review.**

**Thanks a million.**

**P.S I recommend you listen to 'Straitjacket feeling', it's amazing.**


	7. Chapter 6: Near To You

**Chapter 6.  
Near To You.**

_Near to you, I am healing  
but it's taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone  
And you are wonderful  
It's hard to move on  
Yet, I'm better near to you.  
You and I have something different  
And I'm enjoying it cautiously  
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard  
To get back to who I used to be  
He's disappearing  
Fading subtly  
I'm so close to being yours  
Won't you stay with me_  
_**Please**_

'_Near to you' by A Fine Frenzy._

**Sirius**

_It's just that I think that some things are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic._

Sat in my favourite armchair close to the fireplace in the almost empty common room, I stared intently at a piece of fluff that lay on the carpet. It was eight in the evening of a very dull Friday, and it was quite surprising that the common room wasn't as busy as it normally was at this time. I realised that I was unusually bored and that the manner in which I was sitting in appeared to be somewhat philosophical, almost as if I was in deep thought. I believe my friends would have found this highly amusing. However, I _was_ in deep thought.

Recent events had done this to me, the almost kiss with Sian, my sudden change in feelings towards her, my unexpected friendship with her – it was funny how all these recent events were about her, too.

Was there a choice now? I doubted it. Was there hesitancy to the attraction I felt for Sian? Yes, but – there was no turning back now. The pull towards her was too magnetic.

Peter was in the library with Helen Saunders, a girl who had suddenly taken an interest in him. I had no idea where the rest of my friends were. So, I was left to ponder alone, something I wasn't exactly complaining about.

A quiet, slightly singsong voice snapped me out of my reverie and I glanced up abruptly as I realised that it was Lily Evans who had just said hello.

'Well, hello Evans,' I said with a slight smirk, surprised to find her approaching me willingly. Admittedly I had talked to her properly before on different occasions, but that had always been with James around. I raised an eyebrow at her questioningly as she propped herself on the armchair across from me.

'Not with James?' I asked curiously, 'I thought he would be with you when I didn't spot him in here.'

She shook her head jadedly, 'Not with James,' she replied, 'I've just been in the library, trying to get my work finished so I have time off this weekend,' she pointed to the pile of books on her lap. 'They really aren't giving us any time to relax this year, are they?'

'Well, it's easy for me. I don't need to read those books ten times like Peter to know what's in them,' I said, winking at her so that she knew I was joking.

She grinned, 'Of course, because you know everything, Black,' she said, rolling her eyes.

'Well I'm glad you recognize my talent,' I said with a serious expression.

'If your head was any bigger you'd have difficulty getting out of the portrait hole,' she said, laughing quietly.

'That _would_ be a problem,' I agreed. 'It's a good thing I'm as modest as they come.'

'Lucky you,' said Lily, still grinning, 'Anyway, you seemed very lost in your thoughts before I interrupted. It was a very surprising state for me to find you in Black, I must say. Where is the rest of your fan club?'

'Selling autographed pictures of me as any good fan club would,' I answered smartly, a slight smile tugging at my lips. 'Peter has a date with dear Helen Saunders, and I assume that Remus is accompanying a lady friend of his, the man whore. And if James isn't with you, and he's not here, I'm sure it's safe to say that he is either in the kitchens or somewhere printing t-shirts with my face on it. He claims to be my biggest fan you know.'

'Har har,' Lily said rolling her eyes again, 'It's really quiet in here today – well, compared to how busy it usually is.'

'Buying those autographed pictures of me, I'm sure,' I said cheerfully.

She laughed this time, 'Because you're so famous,' she said mockingly, her eyes twinkling. It was times like these I could understand why Prongs was so taken with her. As uptight as she appeared to be sometimes, _this_ was the real Lily Evans, the one you could sit and have a laugh with, the one who went along with your stupid jokes and humoured you. And, she really was quite pretty.

She rested her head back and shut her eyes with a sigh, yawning widely; she opened a book and started reading it carefully. I looked away and stared at the fireplace, my thoughts threatening to stray back to Sian.

'Are you okay?' she asked suddenly, looking at me with deep sincerity. Still, I groaned inwardly. I used to be good at keeping a poker face and not letting my emotions show, but I must have given some sign of distress. Could it be possible that she was aware of the mental battle going on in my head? Aware of the fact that every few minutes my thoughts drifted to Sian, who had currently taken to settling down for permanent residency in the back of mind?

Nonetheless, I felt a surge of affection for my best friend's girlfriend.

'I'm fine,' I said indifferently.

She nodded, obviously not accepting my answer. 'Just checking,' she said with a smile. She looked at me for a moment, as if she was wondering whether she should say something or not. She must have made her mind up because all of a sudden she leant across, 'Look, you know that I was there when you and Sian were about to kiss, not intentionally, but we _did_ walk in on you,' she said in a quiet voice, 'And by the way things have been lately, it's apparent that you like her, don't you?'

Banging my head on the table or pulling James's invisibility cloak on me seemed like very good options, but I didn't move. Any affection I felt towards Lily Evans had drained, damn her for being so perceptive. Or maybe I was just really bad at hiding the fact that I was crazy about Sian.

I wanted to appear as if I had no idea what she was talking about, but then all things considered, I knew that Lily Evans was probably one of the nicest people out there. Even if she did know that I liked Sian, was it really as bad as I was imagining it to be? Was it really something that I, Sirius Black, couldn't handle?

'Is it really that obvious?' I finally said, sighing reproachfully.

She smiled sympathetically, 'Only to those who walked in on you almost kissing,' she said.

'I guess I can live with that,' I shrugged.

'Of course you can,' she said absent-mindedly.

I looked at her, feeling perplexed. I wondered at what point my life had changed so much, to the extent that I sat with Lily Evans on a Friday night without having an ulterior motive (i.e. setting her up with James).

'For what its worth,' she said, 'I'm pretty sure she likes you too.'

I shook my head, 'I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that Evans.'

She hesitated; she opened her mouth and closed it again, looking slightly disconcerted. 'Do you want my opinion?' she said eventually.

'I guess,' I said bemusedly.

She closed her book and looked at me with a serious expression, 'I've never been close to Sian. It's not that we haven't got along; we've just always been separate people you know? I mean before this year, we were on entire different levels. And now I'm with James and she's one of his best friends. So it's almost like we've been thrown together. I'd never even spoken to her properly until this year. But, that aside, I'm not the most inobservant,' she blushed faintly. 'I guess now its okay to admit that I liked James since the start of sixth year. Anyway, the point is, I paid attention. And if I'm straight with you, I always got the impression that she liked James. Maybe I was biased; maybe that's what I wanted to see – maybe I just wanted another reason to not be with James. On the other hand, maybe I'm right; maybe she _did_ like James. I don't believe that a friendship between a boy and a girl can always be platonic, I think that at some point, however brief that point may be, either one of them would have fancied each other. And we were all there when James used to call her his fiancée and claim that they'd get married one day,' she shifted in her seat, 'I guess what I'm trying to say is, whatever that she did or did not have for James, that's gone. I've seen the way she is around you, Sirius. I think she _does_ like you – even if she doesn't know it herself yet.'

'You're more observant than you give yourself credit for, Evans,' I said, looking at her in slight awe. 'You really believe that? That she likes me?'

'I wouldn't send out the wedding invitations yet, but yes, I do really believe that,' she said with a smile.

She really was bloody perceptive, and dead on. I found myself wanting to believe her and maybe, whatever Sian had had for James _was_ gone. There had been no tears shed over it recently – at least none that I knew of. She'd even been pretty normal around James; it had almost been like the old days. When the three of us used to hang out without any tension hanging in the air. Of course, those had also been the days when Sian and me didn't exactly get along and didn't really last five minutes without arguing about something. However, the recent developments were a good reassurance. Maybe she was getting over him.

'I really want to believe you Evans,' I said.

She glanced up from her book and smiled at me, 'I gathered that much,' she said. She hesitated again, and then fervently shook her head and carried on with her reading, looking dishevelled.

'Something on your mind?' I asked.

Putting her book down, she looked at me uncertainly, 'I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing Sirius. This is probably the first proper conversation I've had with you. And it's still very strange for me, not just talking to you, but everything. That aside, I _am_ trying. You're like a brother to James,' she shook her head, 'No, you _are_ his brother. And he's unbelievably important to me now, to the point where it's more or less scary. Our relationship is nothing like I'd imagined it would be. It's better. It's careful and slow but startlingly overwhelming at the same time. I find myself terrified sometimes; I can't believe that it's real and that it's actually happening. And I _don't_ believe it at times, because I've never seen James so serious about anything.'

'_For what its worth_, Lily,' I said, repeating the phrase that she had used. 'Neither have I. He's completely crazy about you; he's not been like this with any other girl. You couldn't even begin to understand how much you mean to him. Ever since you've gotten together, he's been like a different person. You make him happy, Evans.'

Her cheeks turned slightly pink, 'It's all very new for me,' she admitted, 'Can you understand what I mean when I say it feels unreal?'

I nodded, 'Of course, it'll take some getting used to,' I said, 'But James isn't going anywhere. He's been after you for years, he's not going to let go that easy.'

She smiled at me earnestly, 'I was thinking – that I could, maybe I could get to know you better? James raves on about you and all the idiotic things you've got up to in the past. I always was on friendly terms with Remus; I just wanted a first hand impression of you.'

I stared at her, bewildered. Lily Evans never failed to amaze me.

'He always was a puff, our James,' I mumbled. 'You really are something else Evans, I'll tell you that.' I hoped that my voice implied the truth and sincerity behind my comment.

'Is that your idea of a polite rejection, Black?' Lily asked, her eyes glinting mischievously.

'Of course not,' I said, with a grin.

She laughed lightly, 'Good,' she said, nodding. 'So, erm – what's your favourite colour?'

I shook my head in disbelief, 'Please don't tell me that's how you plan to get to know me,' I sighed.

'Oh, do I have to be part of you fan club for confidential information like that?' she teased, 'Give me a break here Sirius, I'm new to this!'

'New to what? Talking?' I joked back.

'Hilarious.'

'It comes naturally,' I said, smirking again. 'If you _must_ know, Evans, it's pink.'

She stared at me in shock and then burst out laughing. Perhaps that _was _confidential information. I glared at her, 'What?' I protested, 'I like it! It reminds me of candy floss!'

She giggled again, 'You never fail to surprise, Sirius,' she noted. 'But I don't think I'll be joining your fan club any time soon.' She then frowned and got up with a sigh, 'I have a ton of work to get done, so I shall be going. But – if you need any advice on any girls, or a _certain_ girl, don't hesitate to ask me. I'm quite knowledgeable when it comes to that, being a girl myself.'

I grinned at her, 'Thank you Lily,' I said appreciatively. 'You did help, surprisingly.'

'So did you, surprisingly,' she added.

'Glad to be of service,' I said.

She smiled, 'See you around Sirius,' she said.

I hummed to myself as she left, feeling considerably less like a big puff who had spent an hour contemplating whether or not a girl kissing him on the cheek implied that she wanted to marry him and have his babies. I was pretty sure that I had managed to now make friends with Lily Evans, oh how the times had changed. I looked up in surprise as the portrait hole opened and a crowd of people climbed in, chattering excitedly.

'That was wicked!' A third-year boy was telling his friend.

'James Potter flies amazingly,' another girl was telling some first years with superiority. 'You wait till the first match, Ravenclaw are going down!'

Realisation hit me as I remembered that the first Quidditch match was next week, and James had probably had Quidditch practice. I guessed that many Gryffindors had gone to watch in support before the big game, and understood that that was probably why the common room had been so empty on a Friday night. At that moment, James walked in wearing the same delighted expression he usually had on after a good Quidditch practice. He trudged towards me and slumped onto the armchair where his girlfriend had previously sat.

'Good game?' I asked with a smirk.

'The best!' James said, grinning widely. 'Ravenclaw have really got no chance! Not that I was worried before or anything, but Collins was going on about how the new seeker that Davies has picked was pretty good and I thought, hey maybe we need to work on our strategies…'

I listened with amusement as he went into a detailed description of the practice that had just taken place and was describing a goal that he made when I was abruptly distracted by the sight of Remus and Sian walking in together.

'Seen Lily around?' James was asking, 'I wanted to tell her about this save that Frank Longbottom made, you should have seen it, he nearly toppled over…' He trailed off, his eyes following my stare, his mouth formed the shape of an 'O' as he registered what I was looking at.

'It won't do you well to get jealous if she speaks to any other guy Padfoot,' he said quietly, 'Especially if it's Remus – nothing's going on, you know that. She's a good looking girl - '

I interrupted him, 'I'm not jealous,' I protested. 'I'm just surprised; she doesn't talk to many guys.'

'She doesn't, does she?' James frowned. 'Anyway, Moony doesn't count as 'many guys'. They've always spoken, haven't they? I mean - '

Remus and Sian made their way towards us and I gave James a look of disdain to indicate that our conversation was over.

'Hey guys,' Sian greeted us cheerfully as she sat on the armrest of my armchair.

'Hello,' I said, glancing up at Remus questioningly, trying desperately not to think of him as a traitor. He looked back at me, confused, and then must have understood my annoyance because he nodded once and looked away, appearing unusually interested in a book about goblins.

'Hogsmeade trip tomorrow!' James pronounced, his eyes sparkling.

'You're going with Lily, I presume?' Remus asked, looking away from the book.

'I'm not, actually,' he replied gravely to general astonishment, 'But we might meet up later. She reckons she's been spending too much time with me and that she's in need of some girl time with Emmeline and Rainer, who are, erm, _girls_. 'Retail therapy', she called it.' He looked devastated.

I looked up at Sian's face, trying to understand her controlled expression. But she gave away no sign of distress, I felt better than I had in days. Maybe Lily was right. Maybe she was getting over him.

_Or maybe she was just getting used to pretending she was okay with things_.

'I wouldn't think too much of it James,' she said. 'Girls need some time with their girlfriends every now and again.'

James must have been just as surprised as me at her reaction as he nodded with a blank look on his face. 'Are you going in tomorrow?' he asked her.

She nodded, smiling, and then turned to me, 'You know, I was going to ask you if you wanted to ditch these guys and come with me instead,' she said.

I tried not to let my mouth drop open in shock as I registered what she had just said. My insides were doing somersaults, I glanced at James, who was wearing the same expression as me, perhaps revealing more shock than I intended and then to Remus, who looked oddly triumphant.

I shrugged nonchalantly, 'Sure,' I said, with a smirk. 'I suppose I can endure it.'

Remus snorted and hastily turned it into a cough.

Sian hit my arm playfully, 'Thank you,' she said sarcastically, 'How gracious of you.'

'Try not to think too highly of me,' I grinned. She laughed lightly at this and smacked the back of my head this time, I yelped with pain and rubbed the spot where she'd hit me. 'Devil woman,' I mumbled.

'Well, why don't we all meet up for drinks at the Three Broomsticks in the afternoon?' asked James, looking at me carefully and scrutinizing my expression, I realised that he was probably checking to see if it was okay with me.

'If that's okay with Sian,' I said, and she nodded eagerly with a smile. 'I must ask though, could the invitation for me to accompany you in Hogsmeade have anything to do with Dorcas having a date with Jack Collins?'

She grinned sheepishly, 'Partly,' she admitted. 'But that doesn't mean I didn't want to spend time with you!'

Whatever the reason was, I was going to take it.

'Of course,' I said, rolling my eyes. 'You're lucky I'm a saint Masterson, or you'd be stuck going to Hogsmeade with this lot.'

'It's great to know you regard us so greatly, Sirius,' Remus said in a mock enthusiastic tone.

'I know,' James said resentfully, 'You know what, Sian? Why don't you just come with us tomorrow? Sirius won't mind, _saint_ that he is.' He smirked at me with a look that said 'your destiny lies in my hands'. I glared at him.

Sian laughed and looked as if she was considering it, she patted my head sardonically. 'A tempting offer, James, but I'm not cruel. I suppose I can _endure_ spending the day with Sirius.'

Remus laughed at this, but I ignored him, I was focusing on more important things. Like how my name sounded better in her voice – shit, I sounded like James.

'It was your idea,' I muttered darkly.

She laughed whimsically, 'Try not to think too highly of me,' she said, her eyes twinkling impishly. Remus and James laughed this time, and I rolled my eyes at them. This woman was hurting my pride. I found that I didn't mind so much.

'Christmas soon!' James said thoughtfully, with a grin.

'It's two months away,' said Remus sceptically.

'I hope there's a trip before the Christmas holidays,' said James, ignoring Remus, 'It'll be so much easier to buy presents in Hogsmeade.'

'Try not to get me muggle porn magazines this year?' said Remus, sighing resignedly.

'Try not to pretend you didn't enjoy them Moony,' I laughed.

'I should have known it was your idea Sirius,' Remus sighed.

'It wasn't actually,' I said, grinning at James, 'I did think it was a rather good idea for a present for you though.'

James grinned back, 'Remus opened it in front of his parents,' he said to Sian, 'He thought they were books on Defence Against The Dark Arts.' She laughed appreciatively at this.

'Mum was furious,' Remus mumbled darkly. 'You owe me two presents this year Prongs, the porn magazines don't count.'

'Of _course_, Moony old fellow!' James said, with a wink.

'I'll never understand those silly nicknames you have for each other,' Sian commented casually.

'Far too advanced for you, I expect,' I smirked.

'Insults, that's the way to a girl's heart,' said Remus quietly, trying not to smirk. I glared at him, but Sian didn't seem to have heard him.

'Shut up,' she said, blushing vaguely. 'They do make me curious though, _Moony_? Prongs? Padfoot? Wormtail? They don't make sense.'

'Maybe they're not supposed to,' I said mysteriously.

'Maybe they were invented to arouse curiosity and suspicion,' James said knowingly.

'Or to represent the level of immaturity capable by the male species,' Remus added.

I resisted the urge to high five my friends, and looked up at Sian, who appeared to be utterly unfazed by their involvement in her seemingly harmless comment. She nodded, 'Oh, alright.'

James winked at me, I grinned back at him, feeling rather proud of us.

'Where's Lily, anyway?' asked Sian.

James jumped up, 'Oh yeah! Lily! Where is she?' he wondered.

'She went up to her dormitory to finish off a ton of work,' I answered.

'Oh,' he said, his face dropped ever so slightly, 'It's Friday night. I miss her.'

I threw a roll of tissues at his head, 'Puff,' I muttered, perfectly aware that it was hypocritical of me to say so, given my recent behaviour.

'Thanks Padfoot, your support means the world to me,' he said sarcastically.

'Don't mention it,' I retorted, smirking.

'Call her down, Prongs,' said Remus. 'We'd rather not hear you sigh wistfully about how much you miss her every few minutes.'

'But she's in the girls dormitory!' exclaimed James.

'Like that's ever stopped you before,' I scoffed.

'I'll get her for you, I want to see Dorcas anyway,' Sian said, much to my surprise, and she jumped off the armrest, 'I believe the stairs don't turn into a helter-skelter when I walk up them,' she made her way to the 7th year's dormitory. She really was in a different mood today.

As soon as she'd left, Remus and James looked at me with triumphant grins on their faces. I couldn't help but smile like a lunatic myself, 'Can you believe that? She wants to go to Hogsmeade with me!' I said.

'You're welcome, Padfoot,' said Remus.

James and I looked at him with a confused expression. 'It's all thanks to me. I was in the library,' he explained, 'and I spotted Sian sat on her own doing some work. So I wandered over to her and we got to talking and the subject of Hogsmeade came up. So I casually suggested that she ask you since Dorcas would be going with Jack Collins and how if she went with all of us, she'd probably end up getting bored.'

'She wouldn't get bored -' started James but Remus cut him off.

'I know that, we're not exactly boring people James. I said it so Padfoot would get the chance to spend the day with her,' said Remus. 'Of course, I wasn't sure she'd actually take my advice. But I thought it was worth a shot. I also mentioned how we'd end up spending most of our time in Zonko's joke shop – don't start James, it's true, you and Sirius take ages in that shop, it's like women and clothes, and that if it was just the two of them, she would probably be able to convince Sirius to go to other places with her. I was going to add in the fact that he has stalker-like dreams about her, but I thought that might scare her off just a bit.'

James sniggered appreciatively; I wasn't offended by Remus's jibe though. I was too grateful. 'I love you Moony,' I said, a smile spreading on my lips.

The roll of tissues hit my head this time, 'Puff,' said Remus, but he was grinning. 'Don't mention it Sirius. But I do want a good Christmas present this year.'

'You love the porn Moony, why deny yourself that pleasure?' James said.

I laughed, 'No porn this year then,' I said, I glanced around to make sure that no one was paying too much attention to me, and I got up and wiggled my hips. 'I'm going with Sian,' I sang, repeating the sentence a few times.

'You remind me of James when Lily first started talking to him,' Remus commented nonchalantly.

James scoffed, 'Yeah right,' he said, 'I was never that much of a puff about anything.'

It was Remus and my turn to scoff. 'Hah!' I said in disbelief, 'You wouldn't stop singing 'All you need is love' by the Beatles for months.'

James stopped humming abruptly, 'Whatever,' he mumbled. Remus threw the roll of tissues at his head.

I laughed and went back to wiggling my hips, 'You are such a girl Padfoot,' said James, staring at me with an odd look.

'And he likes pink!'

I turned to see Lily grinning at me; I stopped wiggling my hips and sat back down. 'I'm going to pretend that you didn't witness that,' I said.

'Pretend all you want Sirius,' she said, 'But your fan club lives for this kind of information.'

I pretended to glare at her but it didn't work that well, I was too elated. 'So you're going to Hogsmeade with Sian?' she asked.

I nodded, and she smiled at me knowingly, I looked around for Sian. 'Where is she?' I asked.

'She's upstairs with Dorcas,' said Lily. My face dropped disappointedly. 'Don't feel too bad Sirius! You're going to Hogsmeade together!'

I couldn't help but grin at this.

'Stay here with us Lils,' James said. 'It's Friday night, you can do your work on Sunday, that's what Sundays are for!'

'Fine,' she sighed and he pulled her onto his lap, she turned slightly red but didn't protest. 'But you're studying with me on Sunday; I need your Transfiguration expertise.'

I scoffed, 'What are you talking about?' I said, 'As if you need help with anything.'

She shrugged modestly, 'It's an excuse.'

'I'll be there regardless, Lils,' said James, and she smiled at him, her face radiant; she kissed him on the cheek. He immediately went into a detailed description of the goals he had saved when she asked him how Quidditch practice had been and she seemed genuinely interested. I stared at them fondly; two people could not be more perfect for each other.

Remus turned to me, 'Wormtail still with Helen?' he asked.

'I believe so,' I answered, 'Date must be going well. Bet they're in a broom cupboard somewhere.'

'Lovely mental image,' he said with disgust.

'Helen Saunders would be,' I said, grinning. My expression turned serious, 'Thanks though Moony, I appreciate what you did.'

'Like I said, don't mention it,' he said with a shrug, 'I don't think I've ever seen you this interested in a girl before, so I'm going to assume you're not just looking for a fling or a challenge.'

I shook my head, 'It's not like that at all,' I said. 'I really care about Sian. It's new for me – and weird.'

'That's good to know,' he stated, 'Because I'm pretty sure James would kick the shit out of you if you mistreated her. And you don't exactly have the best track record with girls.'

'It isn't the same as the other girls this time,' I said.

'Good,' said James, 'Because I would actually kick the shit out of you if you hurt her.'

I nodded. I didn't plan on hurting her. I wasn't even sure what her feelings were for me. The last thing I was going to do was hurt her, she was too important. I bit back a retort at James; he didn't know how much he had hurt her. He was lucky he was my best mate or I'd have kicked the shit out of him.

I leant my head back, remembering that I would be in Hogsmeade with Sian tomorrow. Just her and me. I grinned at the thought of this; I'd never truly appreciated Hogsmeade so much before.

**Sian**

_It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else go away._

I had been feeling strangely optimistic all day. It had been a good day, _different_ too, to an extent. After a short day of lessons, I'd decided to retire to the library to finish off some homework before the weekend started. There was a Hogsmeade trip this weekend, and the last thing I wanted to do was worry about being behind on my homework. I suppose you could say that I took a leaf out of Lily's book and settled on not leaving my homework to the last minute, something that I'd always been prone to do. I guess she was becoming a good influence on me.

Dorcas had recently taken a liking to Jack Collins, a chaser on the Gryffindor quidditch team. He was in the year below us, but this didn't bother Dorcas too much, he was good looking and utterly charming. He had reluctantly asked her to go to Hogsmeade with him (I am told that he was intimidated by her, which I found incredibly endearing), and she had said yes. Of course, she had made sure it was okay with me before she'd proceeded to give him an answer. And I _was_ okay with it, obviously. There had been times before when I'd ended up going to Hogsmeade with James and the others because Dorcas had had a date, or she'd been ill. This time would be no different.

However, I couldn't help but feel that my spirits had been dampened because of this. I had been looking forward to have a day of girly shopping with Dorcas, now I'd have to face the prospect of going with the Marauders, and then it was also very likely that James would be going with Lily. I found that I didn't mind too much, though. I'd have Sirius to keep me company, something I could find no complaints with. And Remus and Peter were entertaining enough without James around.

As I had sat in the library, scribbling furiously into my Charms exercise book, I felt someone approach my table and I looked up. Remus was casually strolling towards me, a smile on his face. I smiled back, 'Hey,' I whispered, sure that Madame Pince would be lurking around somewhere, waiting for an excuse to kick someone out.

'Homework on a Friday night?' he asked tentatively. 'That's very unlike you Sian.'

'Lily was bound to rub off on me,' I sighed, 'I guess it's a pretty good idea to get it done tonight and have nothing to worry about over the weekend.'

'Ah, there'll always be _something_ to worry about it.'

'So cynical, Remus,' I commented, grinning slightly.

He laughed lightly, 'Just stating facts,' he said. 'Anyway, I follow that philosophy too. Pity it never rubbed off on any of my friends.'

'Well, some people are just hopeless cases,' I said.

'That they are,' he agreed. He pulled out a couple of books from his shoulder bag, and placed them on the table. 'Let's get on with it, shall we? The quicker it's done, the quicker we can get out of here.'

'I like that idea,' I said, nodding.

We worked in silence for around half an hour, after this Remus dropped his quill and sighed, rubbing his eyes. 'They give us so much bloody work.'

'At least it's the weekend now,' I said. 'No more classes for another two days.'

'And Hogsmeade tomorrow,' he added, a wide grin on his face, obviously happy with this prospect. 'Planning to go?'

'Yes, I'll probably end up tagging along with you guys actually,' I said.

He looked at me quizzically, 'Dorcas has a date with Jack Collins,' I explained.

'The chaser from our quidditch team?' he inquired.

'That's the one,' I confirmed. 'So I guess you're stuck with me.'

'Unlucky us,' he said, rolling his eyes. 'Well why don't you get Sirius to go with you? Knowing us, we'll probably end up spending more time in Zonko's than anywhere else. You don't want to waste the first Hogsmeade trip we have.'

'I'm sure Sirius would rather hang out in Zonko's,' I said, shaking my head. 'He won't want to go to Harper's Witchwear with me.'

'I went in there once with Olivia Callaghan,' he mused, 'It was quite fascinating.'

'I don't think Sirius would be as fascinated by the assortment of clothing as you are, Remus,' I said, laughing.

'You'd be surprised,' he said knowingly. 'The sight of lingerie can do wonders for a guy.'

I laughed again, 'Let's not go there, _please_,' I said.

He grinned, 'I'm sure you'll be able to drag Sirius wherever you want if it's just the two of you, as long as you promise bathroom breaks and a visit to Zonko's - although I'd set a time limit for Zonko's, he tends to get crazy in there,' he said.

'I remember,' I said, thinking back to a time when I'd gone to Hogsmeade with them. Sirius, James and Peter had spent over an hour in the shop, debating over which product would be best to use in emergency situations. I was positive that Remus had secretly enjoyed it too, but always the gentleman, he had offered to come to Honeydukes with me. 'Hmm, maybe I _will_ ask Sirius.'

'It would be wise,' he said, 'You're likely to get bored if you come with us. I'm pretty sure James will be going with Lily, too.'

I nodded at this comment. Of course, I was fully aware of this fact. Why wouldn't James go with Lily? His girlfriend? What surprised me more was the fact that I felt completely unfazed by this. I had long since come to terms with their relationship, and was actually friends with Lily now. The good thing that came along with my acceptance was how I had James back in my life again. Not in the awkward, small talk phase that we were so prone to adopt, but almost how it used to be. James had been right, on some level. Despite everything, we would always be James and Sian. Childhood friends, who had come such a long way.

'_I know we always said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were kids back then. It wasn't real.' _

James had said that to me the summer before our fourth year. I hadn't a clue that what we had wasn't real. I'd always presumed it was. I'd imagined us being together forever. But as I looked back now, the reality was, we hadn't done anything remotely 'boyfriend and girlfriend' since we were eleven. We had drifted apart during school, and we'd only ever catch up during the holidays. We had promised we were still best friends. And there was the occasional peck on the lips, but we had never properly kissed.

I guess I was going over all these things now because I didn't want to blame James anymore. I now believe that no one was to blame for us drifting apart. The only problem that had occurred was something inevitable: we had grown up.

What had happened between us was real. At least, it was real to me. I truly believed our feelings were mutual, and that one day we would get married and have kids, and that we'd be happy together. I completely overlooked the fact that James and I hadn't been close in _that_ way for a really long time. And if we ever had been, it was when we were too young to understand it.

I realised this now. James and I could never happen. We had changed too much. We had made different friends, and over the time at school when we didn't converse with each other very often, lots had happened. It was expected of course. James had started liking other girls, Lily Evans in particular.

Now, that we shared the same friends, we had gotten closer _during_ school, something entirely new to us. If this had occurred a few years ago, I'm positive something could have happened between us, something more than the broken relationship we were left with. But now he had Lily, and I loved him too much to jeopardise his relationship with her. I could see how much he was in love with her, and how intensely she, too, returned these feelings. I didn't want to be the one to ruin it. Perhaps this would happen on its own, not all relationships work out after all. And I loved being close to him again. Having him as a best friend made everything so much harder but just knowing that he was still there for me, and vice versa, made it very hard for me to be away from him. I know the right thing should have been to keep my distance from him, so I could get over him. But it wouldn't work that way. It wasn't fair for me to lose my best friend over unwanted feelings. They would go away eventually. People fell out of love sooner or later, and it was by no means easy, but if you were as determined as I was now, it was bound to happen eventually.

There was another addition, too. Sirius Black. Something – some_one_ I hadn't expected, someone who meant so much to me now. Someone I had started to think of in a way that was almost alien to me. Apart from James, I had never thought of anyone. I didn't need to. I didn't _want_ to. But things were changing, as were my feelings, as was my hold on James, slowly drifting on to that of Sirius.

Maybe I _would_ take Remus's suggestion. I was sure that Sirius wouldn't mind spending the day with me in Hogsmeade. And how I craved some time with just the two of us. How nice it would be to get away from school and just focus on the beautiful village, explore the area, mess around – just have some fun.

Things had been so busy lately, and with my new addition of friends (for I had formed good friendships with Remus and Lily) and my perhaps – _reconciliation_ with James, there had been no time for me to spend with just Sirius, like we had right at the start of the year. It would be nice to have him to myself, he was too sought after.

After spending another hour in the library, we made our way to the Gryffindor common room. We were followed by a large crowd, who had seemed to be coming from the quidditch pitch.

'It's the big game next week,' Remus explained, he must have noticed the confused expression on my face. Being an avid quidditch fan myself, I gasped, feeling silly that I hadn't remembered. I had been so busy recently; other important events just seemed to be passing by me.

'Of course!' I said. 'I really hope we beat Ravenclaw. I hear they've got a new seeker. She's supposed to be pretty fast, you know.'

'I heard that too, I bet that's why James is overworking the team, they don't usually have practice at this time,' said Remus.

We reached the common room, immediately welcomed by the sound of excited chatter and laughter. We spotted James and Sirius sitting by the fireplace, and we walked towards them hurriedly, the common room was as busy as it usually was on a Friday night. I sat myself on the armrest of Sirius's chair and greeted the boys readily. A conversation about Hogsmeade quickly started, and I saw this as my opportunity to ask Sirius. It wasn't as if it was going to be a date, but I was still nervous. I was sure he wouldn't actually want to spend the first Hogsmeade trip with me, especially now since James had stated that he wasn't going with Lily.

But I needn't have worried, he had his usual sarcastic response but he seemed happy enough at the idea of spending the day with me. Perhaps he too had missed it being just the two of us. I felt happier than I had in months, laughing at the boys teasing each other, and guiltily delighted at the fact that I would have Sirius to myself the next day. James, as James would, claimed to 'miss Lily' after several minutes, and I offered to go get her. I had wanted to see Dorcas anyway, and I was sure she'd be worrying about what to wear for her date with Jack.

I made my way towards the girls' dormitory, and entered, all of my dorm-mates were in here. As I had expected, Dorcas had her closet open wide, a few clothes laid disarrayed on the floor.

'Hey Sian!' she said, relief in her voice. 'I need your help.'

I laughed, 'Obviously,' I rolled my eyes. 'Give me a minute.' I turned towards Lily's bed; she was sat on it, her hangings open. Books lying across her bed.

'Hey Lily,' I said, she looked up at me, smiling in response. 'James is asking for you, says he misses you.' She laughed lightly, 'Of course,' she said, but her face had lit up. 'I knew I wouldn't be allowed to stay up here and do my homework tonight. I'll go down then. Are you coming?'

I shook my head, looking pointedly at Dorcas, 'I think I'm going to stay here with Dorcas before she has a nervous breakdown,' I said.

'Good idea,' she agreed, glancing over at Dorcas who was now pacing the room. 'She's going out with Jack Collins?'

I nodded, 'That's the plan,' I said. 'But she's always like this before any date she has, so I know how to handle it. It's kind of silly, like what she wears is going to matter! She's obviously fine with what she usually wears. Jack didn't seem to mind.'

'She _never_ needs to worry about what she wears, with looks like hers. If I looked like that I'd probably be okay with wearing a bikini everyday,' Lily said, sighing slightly.

I stared at her in disbelief.

'Are you kidding me Evans?' I said. 'Have you ever looked in a mirror? Do you have any idea how utterly _gorgeous_ you are?'

She looked surprised at my comment, and then recovering herself, she shook her head. 'Thanks,' she mumbled, she hesitated, and before I knew it, she had gotten off the bed and was hugging me. It was a day of surprises.

'I'm going to go downstairs, good luck with helping Dorcas,' she said, and made her way out.

I walked over to Dorcas and we spent the next hour trying to come up with outfits that she could wear. It was a girly Friday night and I found that I enjoyed it immensely. It was just what I needed after an incredibly hectic week, a chance to wind down with my best friend and giggle at the silliest things. A part of me was longing to go downstairs and sit with my group of friends, but another just wanted some time of peace with the girl who had stuck by me through everything. The least I could do for her was help her out with her insecurity issues.

Dorcas just didn't see herself the way others did, but I was beginning to realise that most girls – okay, _some_ girls were completely unaware of the effect they had on others. Just being friends with girls like Dorcas and Lily alone was enough to make you want to hide under baggy clothes. They were both beautiful. But I'd never had any issues with my appearance. I believed that I was attractive, and that kept me going.

I went to bed at around half eleven that night, it had been a long day, and I was excited for the Hogsmeade trip that was due the next day.

**Sirius**

_Do I make you shake?  
Rid you of your heartbreak?  
I promise you, I won't be another mistake.__  
_

It wasn't a date. I repeated this fact to myself over and over again. It was just two friends, going to Hogsmeade, shopping together, perhaps_. _It wasn't a date.

_But it would feel like one. _I knew that it would. I could get away with holding her hand, putting my arm around her, putting my arms around her waist; we were close in that way. It would definitely feel like a date. I'd just have to refrain myself from doing something that would scare her away.

But if I really thought about it, _she_ had asked _me_. Sure, it had been after encouragement from Remus, but she had listened to him. Was it so unrealistic to believe that maybe her feelings weren't entirely platonic? People moved on from people all the time, it was part of life. Of course it was possible that she liked me too. Even if she didn't know it herself yet.

I woke up feeling jittery, but I refused to let nerves take over me. I wasn't James. I was Sirius Black, for god's sake. I would be charming, I would be cool and collected, and I would come back and have a panic attack _after_ Hogsmeade. All of us were going to meet in the Great Hall at nine o'clock. I would have normally gone into Hogsmeade a bit later, but the earlier I'd go, the more time I'd have to spend with Sian. Everything was better when I thought of things that way.

I made my way down to the Great Hall for breakfast at quarter to nine with the rest of the guys. I pulled Sian's hair the second I saw her and she turned around and pretended to glare at me, but her face broke out in a grin. She sighed with mock frustration, 'Is this what I'll have to put up with all day?' she said.

I smiled at her, 'All day? For the rest of your life, Masterson,' I replied, winking. She laughed lightly.

Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, the weather was rather nice too, not too much on the cold side and a bit of sunshine. Probably one of the last nice days we'd have before winter fully took over. I held my arm out for her to take and she curtsied to me, 'Thank you, kind sir,' she said, and I rolled my eyes at her as she took my arm.

I felt someone poke my back from behind and I turned around, Lily walked by and winked at me, mouthing 'Have fun,' in a suggestive manner. I grinned back at her. Sian must have noticed this, 'Ah, I see you too are under Lily's spell,' she said, not sounding annoyed as I had expected her to be. She gathered my expression and nudged my arm playfully, 'I think she's really nice,' she said simply.

'Well haven't we come a long way,' I said, raising an eyebrow at her, half a smirk playing at my lips. She rolled her eyes at me, 'Let's go,' she mumbled.

After saying goodbye to the others and agreeing to meet up at one o' clock for drinks at The Three Broomsticks, we set off, arriving at Hogsmeade at 10 o clock, with the rest of the day to kill. With our arms still linked, we walked over to Honeydukes almost automatically.

'It is vital to stock up on chocolate before you shop,' Sian explained plainly.

'So you're actually planning to _shop_ today?' I asked, raising an eyebrow as she nodded. 'Wouldn't it have been better if you had come with Emmeline or Rainer or even Lily? I'm sure they're much better at this shopping thing than I would be.'

'Don't be silly,' she said, looking at me with an odd expression, as if I was an idiot to even say that. Well, she didn't have to tell me, I was already quiet aware of my idiocy. 'I need a man's opinion, and there are not many places we can go to buy clothes in Hogsmeade anyway, so it'll be like two hours, tops.'

'Two hours of shopping for clothes?' I asked in disbelief. 'Why don't you just go in, get what you want and get out?'

'That's not how it works!' she said as she pushed open the door to Honeydukes and grabbed a dozen bars of chocolate from the first shelf she saw.

'You could give Remus a run for his money,' I commented, as she grabbed more chocolate bars. '20 bars of chocolate Sian? Are you feeling okay?'

'Of course I am. I just don't know when the next Hogsmeade trip will be, and this should last me at least a month,' she said, smiling to the pile of chocolate.

I shook my head in an attempt to appear disapproving, 'That cannot be good for you Masterson,' I said. 'You're crazy.'

'And here I was thinking we had established that quite a while ago,' she said cheekily. 'Look, I need my chocolate. It keeps me going,' she added, she then moved along to a shelf of bonbons and grabbed several bags, 'These are for late-nights and for bribing Dorcas. She's obsessed with bonbons.'

'That's interesting information Sian, I could use that against her,' I said. She pinched my arm, and I winced slightly, rubbing it with a glare towards her, 'You're so violent,' I mumbled. 'I wasn't really going to use it against her.'

'I don't understand why you don't try and get along with Dorcas -' Sian started.

I stopped her mid-sentence, 'Hey now, I do get along with Dorcas. I'm only saying it because it winds you up,' I said matter-of-factly, 'It's amusing to see you get stressed.'

She pinched my arm again, 'Hey!' I protested, 'Don't make me tickle you, woman.' She looked at me in horror, and I sniggered, 'Aha! I have something to use against _you_ now.'

'Idiot,' she muttered. We walked over to join the queue to pay for the sweets that Sian had bought, as we got to the till, she reached for her bag of money but I stopped her hand.

'Don't be stupid, I'm not letting you pay,' I said dismissively, and she started to protest but I ignored her and took out my bag of money, putting the correct change on the counter. Taking hold of her bag of sweets, I walked out of the store, Sian following me hurriedly.

'You didn't have to do that Sirius,' she objected.

'I know, but I wanted to,' I said.

'Technically Sirius, I asked you out, I should be paying for you,' she said, smiling now.

'Well, you can buy me a drink from Madame Puddifoot's later,' I said.

She shuddered, 'That place is _awful_,' she proclaimed, and I shook my head, 'Really? It's quite cosy, I think.'

'I think it's pretty clear you're the crazy one here Sirius,' she said.

I grinned, 'I can live with that,' I said, 'Come on, two hours to shop for clothes, where to next?'

I smiled inwardly as she explained which stores we would be going to, there weren't many she said, but enough for her to find a few sets of nice robes to wear. I couldn't take my eyes off her as she spoke. Her eyes were animated, she did exaggerated hand gestures when she spoke and she threw her head back when she laughed. I was entranced and never had I felt so unbelievably lucky to be in her company. Even when she started shopping for clothes, my initial thoughts of it being a boring process had changed. She made it entertaining, I told her to try on oddly coloured robes and she came out wearing them and she had still managed to look strangely beautiful in neon pink.

I had had some of the best times of my life with my best friends, but this, I felt, would definitely be something that I wouldn't mind doing again. Just being with Sian, away from the drama, just having fun, being crazy together.

But of course, my curiosity intended to get the better of me.

'Sian?' I asked, and she glanced up. We were in another wizarding clothes shop, and she had been rummaging through some of the socks that she found unusually amusing.

'Yes?'

'I hate to bring this up, but I guess I'm just curious. What happened with the whole - _James_ thing?' I asked hesitantly, leaning my head against a wall, my hands in my pockets.

She didn't say anything.

'It's just that you were pretty messed up about it a while ago, Sian. I'm just, you know, seeing if you're okay about it. I just want to know where you are with all of that – just wondering what happened.'

She stopped looking through the socks and stared at me for a minute before shrugging nonchalantly, she looked as if she were considering my question. 'Well – now let me see if I can get the words out right. At first, I guess, seeing them together when we came back after the summer, it was almost – excruciating. It was like _physical pain_. And then, I don't know what happened. Somewhere along the 'feeling sorry for myself' process, I sort of got over it. I mean, it's inevitable, right? I can't do anything about it. So I guess I just got through it, and well, Sirius, I'd have to say it's mainly down to you. I suppose I had the right people when I needed them… and I started talking to Lily, and I opened my eyes, and it was there in front of me. I'm not the one for James, Sirius. He belongs with Lily,' she said all of this carefully, and after she finished, her eyes were slightly glazed and nothing else seemed to matter because this was what I had wanted to hear all along.

I smiled at her now, almost in awe, and I nodded, 'So, you've moved on now?' I asked.

To my disappointment, she slowly shook her head, 'It's just more – bearable now. I suppose I have in a way. I've accepted it, and that's something, right?'

I nodded, though the smile was gone from my face. She was right though, despite all of it, it was _something_, which was always better than nothing at all. I stared at her intently, and the atmosphere suddenly went intense. I laughed softly to myself, it was slightly helpless, and I looked away. 'Well, acceptance is the second step, right?'

She grinned, 'What's the first one?' she asked in a curious manner.

'Denial,' I said in a matter-of-fact tone. 'And then revenge, so I guess that means acceptance is the third step. What did you do for revenge Masterson?'

'I stole you,' she said simply, winking at me.

I blinked, stunned, and she chuckled quietly, but she stopped, her expression being replaced by a more serious one. 'You really are helping Sirius, it's easy to forget everything when you're around,' she said, looking as if she was struggling with her words. 'You – keep me whole,' she said, 'Sorry if that sounded unbelievably cheesy.'

I smirked at her, being unable to help myself. But my face changed and a sincere smile replaced the smirk I was sure she was growing slightly fond of.

'I'm always here for you,' I said, looking down as I spoke, afraid that if I looked up into her eyes I'd say something that would ruin this moment. It must have been evident to her that I was the one struggling with words, a determination not to sound corny.

But it seemed as if on impulse, she leaned over and wrapped her arms around my neck. Again, bewildered, I put my arms around her waist, her head on my shoulder.

'Thank you,' she whispered in my ear. I was powerless. And I didn't say anything, but I hoped that she heard the words in my silence. That she knew that this moment here was just enough.

And it was enough. For now. With Sian, it was like baby steps, she would take her good time getting to me, but she would get there, I was certain that she would.

After that, we carried on with our shopping. But there was a pleasant warmth between us, and when it was time to meet the others at The Three Broomsticks, I gently took her hand in mine and she didn't protest or look surprised, she just glanced up at me and smiled, as if to say that this was how things were supposed to be. Leaning towards her slightly I kissed her head, and the smile on her face remained, I could have even swore that she had gone a light shade of pink.

Yes, she _would_ get there.

--

Author's note.

I am _so_ sorry for the delay. I know I promised that I'd have this out by my birthday, but it has just been so hectic! Plus I've just done two exams and my finals start from next week. Anyway, I was determined to finish this before they actually started. It's taken me a while, but I'm happy with this chapter. I believe it's my longest yet.

I'm sure it's very likely that I've lost a lot of readers, but thanks to everyone who is bearing with me and keeping an interest in this story. Like I say on my profile page, 'Just Friends' is my baby; I'm definitely going to finish this. It will probably take me a while, but I'll get there.

Anyway, tell me your thoughts on this chapter! I particularly loved Sirius in this. And I realise that I haven't written a lot from Sian's point of view, but I just found it easier to write from Sirius's.

Thank you for reading. Leave a review.

Love you all.


	8. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

Hey everyone, I know we're not exactly supposed to have separate chapters as author's notes so I'm really hoping none of you will tell on me. I just wanted to let the very few people who are still interested in this story know that I will be updating it within the next few weeks. I haven't updated in probably over a year but there are still some wonderful people out there who have reviewed and it makes me want to write now! I'm on summer holidays at the moment and I don't appear to have any other exciting plans, so hopefully this will lead me to having a couple of chapters out, maybe even finishing this up? Thank you for bearing with me, I just ask you to bear with me a little longer. Everyone who has reviewed, thank you for brightening my days, I honestly appreciate your little votes of confidence. I've had a really rough year with my writing and having a review pop up every now and then has been brilliant.


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